Aries: If, at any point during your parent-teacher conference, your child’s teacher offers you a hit off of her crack pipe, you might want to look into switching districts.

Taurus: This week, for some reason, you just can’t stop eating Twizzlers. At your desk, in the shower, during sex, at your aunt’s funeral, you’re just chawing. The really strange thing is that you don’t normally even like Twizzlers. You’ve always been more of a Lemonheads kind of person.

Gemini: The recurring nightmare wherein you are slowly crushed by the weight of Donald Trump’s hair is back. Speak to your analyst about it.

Cancer: The fact that you’ve borrowed your philosophical outlook on life from The Last Starfighter is not something you necessarily want to share with your prospective in-laws. Ever.

Leo: Your feelings are terribly hurt this week when none of the other hookers seem to want to spend time with you. Hint: It’s the cold sores.

Virgo: An inspirational speaker will change your life this week. By running over your foot in his Hummer.

Libra: Your bold and daring sense of fashion may prove your undoing this week as you get it into your head that wearing adult diapers on the outside of your pants might be the next big thing. It’s not.

Scorpio: Your true-life tabloid dream-come-true occurs this week when you begin your work as a juror in the Michael Jackson trial. Only two days in do you realize that this is a completely different Michael Jackson and he’s up on charges of tax evasion, so instead of lurid testimony from The Gloved One’s disgruntled former servants, you’ll be sitting through ten hours about the Earned Income Tax Credit from Laury Abromowitz, CPA.

Sagittarius: You take, perhaps, a little too much pride in your system of organizing your shoes by the size of the hole in the sole.

Capricorn: Your love life heats up as you take a new lover. And you’re going to make everyone around you ill by referring to this person as “my new lover”.

Aquarius: This is a good week to pay heed to that old proverb, "Beware a Debra Messing bearing gifts". If your wife is trying to drag you to see The Wedding Date, pay lots and lots of heed.

Pisces: You are prompted to shave off your facial hair this week after a small Lithuanian child becomes entrapped in your beard.