Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Wednesday, February 02, 2005


Poor Little Rich Girl

Henry Hager’s hating his honey’s hmom. (Starting mom with an H is cheating, I know, but I couldn’t ruin a perfectly lovely sentence like that.) Laura Bush, while on Good Morning America, dissed the dude her daughter’s dating (yes, it’s Alliteration Day here at Hairshirt) to a national audience. She said, “This is not a serious boyfriend—I hate to have to be the one to say it on television. But he’s a very nice young man.”

Okay, first, why the fuck did she have to say it on national television? Does she want to make sure that an old boyfriend who she and George really like still knows that Jenna’s on the market? Second, how the hell does she know? Do the twins have a system of semaphores they wave when the nature of their current relationship reaches a certain landmark? What if this poor bastard was sitting in his apartment with a ring, practicing his proposal?

If I was Jenna…okay, well, there are a million and a half things I’d do if I was Jenna, starting with AA and extending all the way to putting a mousetrap in my father’s boxers, but that’s neither here nor there. If I was Jenna, I’d be fucking pissed. Any girl who’s in the habit of sneaking into bars with a fake ID when she knows for a fact that she’s followed by the Secret Service probably doesn’t talk with her mom about her boyfriends in any depth on a regular basis. She certainly doesn’t give her mom permission to tell the general public that, despite the fact that he’s “a very nice young man,” they’re only boning.

If we learned nothing else from those two gems of cinematic achievement, Chasing Liberty and First Daughter, we learned that the president’s offspring are people, too. They have all the same wants and desires of a normal girl. Should they not be afforded the privacy to go through college normally? To get drunk and vomit on their shoes and the shoes of everyone around them without that vomit being sold on E-Bay? To fuck some random guy and spend a day regretting it without Katie Couric bringing the guy’s name up in small talk right before Al Roker gargles a pint of huckleberry jam? To skip nearly an entire semester of an evening class because they’d rather be home getting stoned without their father using it as a reason to double the funding on the Just Say No campaign?

Sure, it was easier to feel sorry for a bright, seemingly shy young woman like Chelsea Clinton than for a party girl like Jenna. I mean, she just seemed so much…nicer. But party girls need support, too. Which is why I’m proposing a media/comedia blackout on Jenna Bush. (Barbara never seems to do that much that’s interesting, anyway, so I say we go on covering her.) Give the girl some time to herself. Maybe she can work through whatever issues she has that have led her to dig Kid Rock. Maybe the binge drinking will stop. Maybe she’ll find her inner self and register with the Green Party. But, whatever she does, she shouldn’t, just because of what her daddy does for a living, have to vomit on her shoes for all to see.

Mmmmmmm.....huckleberry jam......
(have you ever had huckleberry jam? I have)

"To fuck some random guy and spend a day regretting it without Katie Couric bringing the guy’s name up in small talk right before Al Roker gargles a pint of huckleberry jam?"

Spat my water out with that one...
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