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Tuesday, February 08, 2005


Send in the Clones

I just read a report from Reuters that says that the guys that cloned Dolly the sheep have been granted a license to clone a human. I didn't realize that you could get a license for human cloning. Does this mean that you have to first get your learner's permit for human cloning? Do you then have to try cloning a human while being observed by a fat guy named Stu who tells you, "Okay, now see if you can manipulate those genes there," as he checks something off on his clipboard? Can you use your human cloning license as proof of age to get into a bar? Does this mean that there'll soon be a hot black market in fake human cloning licenses on college campuses?

Leaving aside, for now, the question of the many, many people who'll be dissatisfied with the picture on their human cloning license, let's think for a moment about the ramifications of this license-granting. Cloning has long been the subject of much awful science fiction (see the last Star Wars movie, Multiplicity with Michael Keaton and the 127-part Clone Saga in the Spider-Man comics in the 1990s). As this once hypothetical technology moves into the realm of fact, are we going to see it used in awful regular fiction as well as sci-fi? Will we be seeing dumb clone plotlines on As the World Turns? Will the Olsen Twins star in a new sitcom, All A-Clone?

Hell, television clones might not be limited to fiction. Will Maury Povich shows in the near future focus on subjects like, "My Clone Dresses Too Sexy"? Will they clone Katie Couric so that every network can have one? Local six o'clock news teams already seem to be cloned from one another, why not just do it for real?

Which brings up the big question: Who's going to be cloned?

I know there are people in the world who I'd like to have two of. I think two John Irvings would be a great thing. One could work on screenplays, the other could crank out new novels at a faster rate. Two Neko Cases would mean that one could work on solo stuff and one could sing full-time with The New Pornographers. Four David Crosses would be a phenomenal sketch group.

But we all know it's not going to be worthwhile people who are going to get cloned. We're going to come out of the other side of this thing with an extra fucking Donald Trump. They'll clone George W. Bush to get around the two-term limit. P. Diddy will have himself cloned so he can finally have someone worthy of his love. The only people who'd really want another one of themselves around are the very people we don't want even one of.

So what's the solution? How do we stop the sudden appearance of twelve Ann Coulters? I think it's pretty simple. I think the only people who should be allowed to be cloned are the Amish. You ever been bugged by an Amish person? Me either. So I don't really give a shit if there's suddenly twice as many. Clone the Amish.

'Cause if the Scientologists ever get their hands on it, we're fucked.

I could use another me, one to do all the stuff I don't want to do, but have to.
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