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Tuesday, May 31, 2005

 

Deep Throat (Not the Porn One, Though)

One of the most intriguing mysteries of the 20th century was solved today, at least according to an article in Vanity Fair. 91-year-old W. Mark Felt, former second-in-command of the FBI has come forward to say that he was Deep Throat, the government official who leaked information to Washington Post reporter Bob Woodward, fueling Woodward and partner Carl Bernstein's investigation into the Watergate break-in and helping to bring down the administration of Richard Nixon. So far, neither Woodward nor Bernstein have verified Felt's claim, holding to their long-stated promise that they would not reveal the identity of Deep Throat until after he had died, although they have also not denied Felt's claim.

Can it truly be this easy, though? Are we to simply accept the word of this doddering old guy who maybe just wants a little attention? What if he's simply trying to become a big shot so that he can get creamed corn whenever he wants it while the nobodies in his nursing home have to make do with pureed broccoli? I, for one, am not going to just bend over and take this old guy's assertion up the ass.

Not that that's where he's trying to put it, but I'm just saying...

Anyway, what about all the other perfectly viable contenders for the role of the real Deep Throat? Before we take Mr. Felt at his word, why don't we take another quick look at some of the other people who might have stood in that parking garage?

Alexander Haig--Chief of Staff under Nixon and subsequent control-freak Secretary of State for Reagan. Haig's name has been at the top of a lot of people's list for a long time. Not only did he have access to the top levels of the administration, but he's a huge, huge asshole. Asshole? Deep Throat? Both places where penises are put, hello?

Fred Fielding--Aide in the Nixon White House and subsequent counsel to Reagan. A journalism class at the University of Illinois, after an intense investigation, came to the conclusion that Fielding was the most likely candidate. Personally, I'm betting that the kids in the class were "intensely investigating" a bong, so I don't lend this one too much credibility.

Linda Lovelace--Actress. Now, I know that Lovelace didn't have strong ties to the Nixon White House, but she did star in the movie Deep Throat, right? There's got to be a reason that Woodward called his source Deep Throat and I'd hate to think that it's because he face-raped Al Haig.

Jesus Christ--Messiah. Think about it: who else would have complete knowledge of the scandal and the morality to want to see the wrong-doers brought to justice?

Rich Little--Master impressionist. Little could have ducked out of a taping of Match Game, done one of his flawless Nixon impressions to sneak past White House security, gotten ahold of all of the incriminating documents he'd need and then used yet another voice to make sure that Woodward didn't know who it was he was dealing with. This would explain why Woodward refuses to confirm or deny Felt: he simply doesn't know if his source is Johnny Carson or Jack Benny.

Bob Woodward's Hand in a Handpuppet--Hand. Perhaps Woodward was so desperate for a source that he slapped some felt on his fist and answered his own questions. If you take a really good look at the guy, you kind of see that he's just crazy enough to do it.

Jaime Farr--Actor. Sure, Klinger looks harmless. The truth is, Farr was up to his neck in government secrets.

Richard Nixon--President. Maybe he changed his mind after the election and decided that he'd done all that he wanted to do in his first term. He would've felt like he couldn't just quit, so he had to give himself an excuse. Sounds like Nixonian logic, doesn't it?

But whoever the real Deep Throat is, I hope we don't get all smug because we think we finally know the answer to a question that's been haunting us for over thirty years. Just remember: Mark Felt could be delusional. The real Deep Throat could still be out there. It could even be...

...you.


Comments:
I still think Deep Throat were those two cute girls who kept walking Nixon's dog, as played by Michelle Williams and Kirsten Dunst in Oliver Stone's Dick.
 
Even though I knew very little in the way of Deep Throat, I too wondered how they can be so sure he is who he says he is.
 
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