HAIRSHIRT
Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
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HAIRSHIRT Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery |
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Tuesday, June 14, 2005The Joys of Summer
The heat is upon us here in New York. It reached 95 degrees today with humidity at 1047%. I love this city, but there are reasons why everyone who can afford to leave in the summer does so with all due haste. It's not a clean town. There's a thin film of grime on buildings, sidewalks and slow-moving old people. When you add a slowly swirling cloud of moisture into the equation, the grime becomes even more mobile and sticks to every exposed part of your body as you walk outside. Standing on a subway platform on days like this is somewhat akin to standing inside a flatulent rectum. Youngsters will clandestinely open up fire hydrants so that they can cool themselves off in the spray, which is nice for them and all, but results in a river of sludge running along the sidewalks and often running over your sandal-clad foot, which is great, if you've always been keen to amputate below the ankle but never had a reason why.
Now, I imagine that both sexes suffer mightily in this type of unpleasant environment. Today, though, I want to address a uniquely male issue: ball stickage. In high heat and humidity, one's scrotum can sometimes become affixed to one's thigh. It makes for very awkward walking. So what's a man to do? I suppose he could continuously pull his nuts away from his leg with his hands, but this is not socially acceptable. That's why the scientists in the Hairshirt Labs have been working overtime to come up with better solutions, such as:
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