Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Wednesday, August 23, 2006


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: Right now, you're really wishing your family had undergone some horrible tragedy, maybe something like being partly wiped out by the Khmer Rouge, because that would make you seem a lot cooler.

Taurus: This week, you accept Jesus as your personal trainer. And he's going to have you doing a lot of crunches, 'cause he's all big on abs.

Gemini: Tonight is the night you finally finish the screenplay you've been working on for years. Tomorrow, you will unleash upon agents and studios the glory that is In the Shadow of the Kangaroo: The Mr. Green Jeans Story. And the world of entertainment will never be the same.

Cancer: Good news for Cancers living in California--Schwarzenegger is raising the minimum wage to eight bucks an hour. The bad news is that there is no minimum wage for crack whores. You're still only getting one rock per handjob.

Leo: Today, Leo, you're feeling so fucking great that you want to sing. Might I suggest that you go with something from the Backstreet Boys? I find nothing expresses joy quite like a rousing acapella rendition of "Larger Than Life".

Virgo: You will prove yourself the most incompetent junkie in the world this week when you glue your nostrils together while attempting to huff.

Libra: This week, Libra, you just feel like being a big ol' whore. I say go for it.

Scorpio: A letter to your congressional representative will be taken a lot more seriously if it isn't written in crayon. You might also want to reconsider the picture of your house you've drawn at the bottom.

Sagittarius: Don't look now, Sagittarius, but there's a marriage proposal just around the corner. And, sure, being the seventh wife of an eighty-five year-old Mormon dude might not seem all that desirable, but hey, you're not getting any younger, are you?

Capricorn: This week, Capricorn, you're struck by the awesome idea of putting a bell around your boss's neck so you always know when she's coming. Innovative thinking like that is what's going to get you ahead in the world.

Aquarius: Aquarians experience a traumatizing sexual episode this week when they inadvertently start thinking of Donald Rumsfeld's nutsack during intercourse. They may never recover.

Pisces: Sure, it seems counterintuitive during the dog days of summer, but maybe you might want to just consider cooking up a big hot bowl of chili tonight. That's good eating.