Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Wednesday, December 06, 2006


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: You face some tough decisions this week. Nothing as tough as whether to pay $920,000 for a fucking used dress instead of feeding poor people for a decade, but tough nonetheless.

Taurus: Having trouble deciding on a Christmas gift for Grandma? How about porn? Old ladies love it!

Gemini: You are truly shocked to find that the Iraq Study Group concluded that the war in Iraq is not going well. They're really a Glass Is Half Empty kind of bunch, aren't they?

Cancer: As the weather turns colder, you need to start wearing pants.

Leo: A relationship precious and dear to your heart comes to an end this week when the hooker you've been seeing for five years decides to retire. Asking for a free handjob for old times sake would be tacky.

Virgo: A good week to start on new long-term projects. Like a baby, say. Or organizing your sock drawer, if you're not as ambitious.

Libra: There's a glob of mayonnaise in your beard. From yesterday.

Scorpio: Don't fret too much about New York City banning trans fats in restaurants. You can always sneak your own trans fat in and surreptitiously sprinkle it on your food under the table.

Sagittarius: There's probably a better way to commemorate Pearl Harbor Day than jacking it to pictures of Josh Hartnett.

Capricorn: Now is the time to stop brooding about your past mistakes. Brood, instead, on the many colossal fuck-ups that lie ahead.

Aquarius: A home bikini wax should not be attempted using bubble gum.

Pisces: Not all of life's problems can be solved with chicken soup, Pisces. Herpes, for instance. Chicken soup does jack squat for Herpes.