Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Aries: While at a wine-tasting this week, you'll need to remind yourself that it's not appropriate to describe a Riesling as "pimptastic."
Taurus: This is a great time to get into the holiday spirit by baking Christmas cookies. You should especially bake those mocha cookies that your husband loves so very much. NOTE: This horoscope may only apply to those Taureans who are married to Joe Wack.
Gemini: Looking at old pictures really takes you back. Back to a time when you were basically just as utterly pathetic as you are now, but had slightly more hair.
Cancer: There's a tender, nurturing side of your personality that you've been keeping in check as of late. Now is the time to indulge that side. Maybe by breast-feeding a monkey or something.
Leo: It's Office Holiday Party season, and you know what that means! It's time to read up and determine exactly how much touching you can do and still stay on the friendly side of the company's sexual harassment policy. Good luck, there, Gropey!
Virgo: Even though the holidays can be terribly lonely for people without any romantic partner or friends or family that cares enough to stay in contact, you should still hold off on killing yourself because... Uhhh... See, there's hope that, um... I don't know, maybe the writers' strike will end and there will be awesome new episodes of The Office soon.
Libra: Sex with a rubber chicken is neither funny, nor hot.
Scorpio: This is a great week to take an interest in community improvement. Maybe you could knit a beautiful sweater for that hooker offering ten-dollar handjobs who hangs out on the corner.
Sagittarius: A voice from your past makes itself heard this week. It's telling you to lay off the Ben & Jerry's and maybe do a sit-up here and there.
Capricorn: This week, you find yourself re-evaluating your opinion of Barack Obama, in light of Oprah Winfrey's work on behalf of his campaign. Yesssss. You love Obama. Don't break from the HiveMind. Praise the Oprah, from whom all blessings flow.
Aquarius: Maybe you should make something different for dinner tonight. Perhaps a spicy gazpacho!
Pisces: Your boyfriend will not stick around long if you insist on using pet names for him like "My Big Limp-Dicked Teddy Bear."