Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Tuesday, July 27, 2004



I don’t know how many of you had a chance—or the inclination—to watch the Democratic National Convention last night, but, man let me tell you, if you love hearing the name John Kerry over and over and over as much as I do, it was a treat. A typical speech went something like this:

“We need a leader of vision, like John Kerry. Y’know who wouldn’t have dragged us unilaterally into an unnecessary war? John Kerry. John Kerry proved his valor in Vietnam and he should be our next president. John Kerry, John Kerry, John Kerry. I have a yeast infection. I bet John Kerry could help me with that. John Kerry, John Kerry, John Edwards.”

The first few speeches that I saw, including those from Al Gore and Senator Barbara Mikulski, were pretty positive affairs, focusing on building up John Kerry and avoiding overt partisanship. Then Jimmy Carter got up there and offered forth a verbal bitch-slap to the Bush administration the likes of which I hadn’t expected from the peaceable peanut farmer. Here’s the excerpts:

“My name is Jimmy Carter, and I'm not running for president. But here's what I will be doing: everything I can to put John Kerry in the White House with John Edwards right there beside him.

"As many of you know, my first chosen career was in the United States Navy, where I served as a submarine officer. I served under two presidents, Harry Truman and Dwight Eisenhower, men who represented different political parties. Both of whom had faced their active military responsibilities with honor.

"They knew the horrors of war, and later, as commanders-in-chief, they exercised restraint and judgment and had a clear sense of mission. We had confidence that our leaders, military and civilian, would not put our soldiers and sailors in harm's way by initiating 'wars of choice' unless America's vital interests were endangered.

"That’s not the case today. Today, we have a coked-up pussy boy in the White House, who sends troops willy-nilly wherever the fuck he wants. I’m so sick and fucking tired of the way that asshole has pissed off our allies around the world that I’d seriously like to run the sumbitch over with a forklift.

"You can’t be a war president one day and a peace president the next, based on the latest polls. Oh, oh, wait, I guess you can if your name is George 'W-for-Wanker' Bush. You know what? Let’s not wait until the election. Let’s kick ‘im out right now.

"No, no! Let go of me! I want a piece of him! Back off, man, I’m Jimmy Motherfucking Carter! I’m’a piss on that bitch-boy’s head!
Vote for John Kerry!”

It was very stirring, let me tell you. Can’t wait for Ron Reagan’s stem cell speech tonight.

It's a damn shame that nobody's reading this. Funny stuff. Even Blair likes it.
I'm reading it, I think it's funny, and I don't know who the fuck Blair is.--thebeigeone
Rah, rah, sis boom bah! Kerry, Kerry, he's our man, if he can't do it, no one can! God, I hope that's not true.... I like him too, but don't you think he's a little funny lookin?
Hey, Joe
Admit it. You wrote Napoleon Dynamite, didn't you?
Ummm...duh! Hello! Blair WARNER? Daughter of a wealthy industrialist? Prettiest, richest girl at Eastland Academy? Is this ringing any bells?

Sure, she's arrogant, and sometimes needs to be reminded of some of the facts of life. But when the chips are down, she does the right thing, and always sticks with her friends.
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