Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Saturday, July 31, 2004
The Story of Joe and the Stiff Neck
Once up on a time, there was a boy named Joe. He was relatively happy. He had a lovely wife, two dogs who didn't crap in the house and a smoothie maker, which was so superior to a blender, because it had a spout on the bottom through which one could dispense the smoothie without all that hassle of lifting up the jar.
One day, as Joe was enjoying a delicious banana, crabmeat and whey smoothie, he noticed that he had a visitor. It was a stiff neck. The stiff neck was not a friendly visitor. Joe had not invited the stiff neck to come over. Joe didn't want to be rude, so he said, "Why, hello, stiff neck. Is there something that I can do for you? Would you like a smoothie?"
The stiff neck laughed. "I do not care for smoothies," said the stiff neck.
"But they're so healthful and delicious!" cried Joe. "Not to mention smooth!"
"To hell with your smoothies!" yelled the neck, which struck Joe as further evidence of the stiff neck's rudeness.
"Well, if you don't want a smoothie and there's nothing else I can offer you, why have you come?" asked Joe, who then took a sip of his own smoothie.
"I just want to make you miserable," said the stiff neck with a smirk. "Plus, I want to make sure that you look like an idiot whenever you need to turn around to look at something!"
Joe didn't like the sound of that at all. He finished his smoothie and then asked the stiff neck to leave. The stiff neck refused. When Joe tried to force the stiff neck away with some stretching and deep breaths, the stiff neck only laughed at him and stabbed at Joe with what felt like a huge fucking pair of scissors.
"I know!" thought Joe. "I'll seek help from my old friend, Mr. Advil!"
Joe sent Mr. Advil in through his mouth to drive the stiff neck away. When nothing happened for several hours, Joe asked the stiff neck, "Say, did you happen to see Mr. Advil? I sent him to have a chat with you awhile back, but I haven't heard from him."
"And you won't!" cackled the stiff neck, "unless maybe you see him in your stool!"
Over the next few days, Joe did fiercely battle the stiff neck, using aspirin, better pillows, neck rubs from his lovely wife, even Advil smoothies. Nothing seemed to work. Sometimes, the stiff neck would nap for a bit and Joe could almost move normally. Then the stiff neck would wake up and make sure Joe knew he was still around.
Finally, Joe decided that, as long as the stiff neck was around for good, he'd make him feel welcome. Joe made a special smoothie, one part blueberries, one part ice cream and one part his own salty tears. The stiff neck drank the smoothie up and gave Joe a big hug. And Joe and the stiff neck lived miserably ever fucking after.
The End. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIGH!