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Thursday, August 12, 2004


Getting Some Goddamn Culture

There are a number of things we've done in every city we've visited in Europe. The first is, of course, to see what McDonald's is like there. 'Cause you never know if those foreigners are going to do something weird like make the Filet o' Fish with some fucked-up French cheese or something (it's usually been good ol' flavorless, processed American, thank God).

The next thing we usually do is to go to the art museums. That's not so much because we care about art, but there's usually at least a few paintings with nudity and we're too shy to buy porn in a foreign country.

The other thing we do is to visit the churches. And, man, there's lots of the fucking things. And they're frigging huge. I'm not talking huge in the American sense of the word. I'm not talking about something beautiful, like the Crystal Cathedral or Heritage, U.S.A. These're all tall and dirty. And they've got these gargoyle things hanging off the sides of 'em. It's like they wanted the church to be a scary place. Hell, most of them that we been in don't have elevators or nothing, so you can't go to the top of them huge organs and drop things down the pipes. They've got these huge ceilings and you know they're just a bitch to heat in the winter. It's like these guys didn't know what the hell they were doing. Now, the Methodist church where I'm from, they put in a normal size ceiling and that place is so well insulated, there isn't one puff of air gets out. I don't get why those old-timey guys thought they had to build them places so damn tall.

Another thing, they got all these stainy-glass windows, right, but they have pictures of, f'r example, some guy named Charlemagne. I never even heard of him. You'd think they'd update these things every once in awhile. Maybe put in a picture of George Bush or something.

One thing's for damn sure. If I ever come here again, I am not going to France. We went to this museum, right, the one where they got the Mona Lisa. And they cram you in there and you have to walk with these huge groups of people and it's kinda like being a cow at auction time, the way they have you moving through that place. The worst thing is, though, that there's people who want to stop along the way and look at all these other paintings they got hanging there. Most people know enough to just move along to get to the Mona Lisa, but you have a few people now and then who want to stand for like five seconds and stare at a picture of Jesus or something. This one guy, I finally hadda yell, "Hey! You're holding up the line, jackass!" He got all pissy and started jabbering away in Spanish or something.

So then, when you do get up to the Mona Lisa, they don't even want you taking pictures or nothing. I thought it'd be kinda funny to get a shot of me with a paintbrush, like I'd just finished painting it. But these snooty goddamn guards come over and started in on us, so we just left. It's not like we ain't never seen the goddamn picture before, anyway.

And then, just so you know, the people at Notre Dame do not give a shit about college football. I thought I'd try to be friendly and I started asking our tour guide questions about the Fighting Irish's coaching problems, but he acted like he didn't even know what I was talking about.

Anyway, just for the record, Europe isn't anything great. The buildings are old, the cheese has mold and everybody talks in these whoop-ti-do accents, when they bother to speak English at all. So next year, it's Dollywood.

so, you mean to tell me that being there is nothing like National Lampoon's European Vacation? Fuck that!--TBO
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