Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Friday, August 27, 2004
What'd I Miss?
We've been out of the country since August 3. That's a long time to be gone. Tomorrow evening, we'll be getting on a Virgin Atlantic plane at Heathrow and heading back to the states. I've not been keeping up on current events back home, as newspapers run around 35 Euro in most places in Europe, which is even more expensive in puny, worthless American dollars--seriously, as my wife noted this morning when we realized that our £3.50 breakfast cost roughly the same as a moderately priced used car in the States, "Isn't America supposed to be a big deal or something? Wouldn't you think our currency would be worth a bit more?"--and I haven't checked the news much on line, as it's taken every available nano-second at these internet cafes to book more and more creaky hostels whose "breakfast included" inevitably ends up consisting entirely of toast. So I have absolutely no idea what's going on in the world other than the front pages I've glimpsed of European tabloids, which have kept me well-informed of David Beckham's marital woes and little else. But I feel like I know my country pretty well, so I have a good idea what to expect when I get back home. I'm pretty sure the headlines will look a little something like this:
U.S. Olympic Basketball Team Acquits Itself With Grace and Humility in Athens Games
Political Pundits Call This Presidential Election "The Most Cordial Ever"
Governor James McGreevey and Wife Renew Vows in Governor's Mansion Ceremony
TV Networks Vow: No More Reality Shows
"What Were We Thinking?" Asks Exec
Shiite Radicals in Najaf Throw Impromptu Fundraiser for Bush Campaign
Dick Cheney Instructs Justice Department to "Leave No Stone Unturned" in New Haliburton Investigation
Newly Released Harvard Medical School Report: Abstinence-Only Sex-Ed Works!
John Kerry Welcomes Courtney Love as New Campaign Manager
White House Shocker: Laura Bush's Porn-Star Past Comes to Light
Kobe Bryant: Innocent!
9/11 Commission Finds CIA and FBI Are Competent and Efficient
Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony Still Married
Ku Klux Klan, NAACP to Merge: "Man, We've Been Assholes" says Grand Dragon
Catwoman Expected to Sweep Oscars
You see, even when I'm away, I've got a pretty good idea what America is up to. Man, I'm so ready to be home.