Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Thursday, September 09, 2004
Bush VS Moore
I don't know if any of you have been following the election-year battle between Michael Moore and President Bush. I've collected some of the barbs they've traded here for your perusal. Enjoy.
Posted on michaelmoore.com
Dear Mr. President,
You may have read in the newspaper that I decided not to pursue the Academy Award for best documentary this year for my movie Farenheit 9/11. I was certain you'd be wondering why and I thought I'd take a moment to explain myself to you.
First off, I think that the fact that the film is the highest grossing documentary ever is a greater validation than a hundred Oscars TM. Then there's the fact that it already won the Palm D'Or at Cannes, where it received an unprecendented twenty minute standing ovation. Additionally, pundits around the country are saying that, if you lose this election, my film will have played a huge part in your defeat. Add to that the fact that I've already won an Oscar TM, for my last film, Bowling for Columbine, which also set box office records for documentaries, and I just didn't feel the need.
Plus, I'm working on a new book, which my publishers have told me they're going to refuse to publish. I don't care. So strong is my commitment for the truth, I'm going to pay to have it published myself. Unfortunately, those jaggoffs in the paper industry are upset by my politics, and I've heard that they're going to refuse to provide paper on which to print the books. Think that's going to stop me? Hardly.
I'm moving ahead with a bold and daring new plan. I intend to print my new book on a new kind of paper made entirely from recycled pink slips handed out by greedy corporations, with ink made from my own blood. Amazon.com has told me the book has been number one on their best-seller list since the first synapse fired in my head giving birth to the thought that I might write it. Actually, the top five on their pre-order list are all books that I may or may not write in the near future.
You've gravely underestimated the intelligence of the American public, Mr. President. You haven't given them credit enough to admit that they're going to see my movies and buy my books. But they will, sir. Starting with Roger & Me, a little less so with The Big One and then not really at all with Canadian Bacon, but back up to more with Bowling for Columbine and then Farenheit 9/11, the public has spoken with their wallet. And they've said loud and clear that they're intelligent enough to give me money.
Scary for you, huh?
From the Dallas Morning News Op-Ed Page 9/7
Dear Michael Moore,
You're a poopy head. I have enclosed a drawing of your head. Please notice that I have drawn it with a bunch of poo inside it. That's 'cause I think your head is full of poo.
You have a big belly. You are fat with donuts. You don't know this, but I call you Mr. Donut Eater Guy when you're not listening. And since you never really can hear me, 'cause I'm not where you are, I say it a lot.
Do you like maple syrup? If so, check this box...
Love, Big G.dub
Transcript of Michael Moore speech at 42nd Annual People's Choice Awards:
Thank you. It's such an honor that all the people who have helped Farenheit 9/11 gross over $100 million at the box office have now joined together to grace me with this honor. It's made all the more meaningful since I allowed the movie to be shown on television, thus denying myself a chance at another Oscar TM.
I felt trying for another Oscar TM would be selfish. Not only would it mean that none of the other films that will eventually be nominated would have any chance of winning; not only would it mean that my film would reach fewer voters, thus ensuring a Bush victory; not only would a lengthy Oscar TM campaign serve to slow production on my next film, which, although I haven't shot a frame yet, has already received the Audience Award at Sundance. It could also have placed the president's life in danger when any one of my hundreds of thousands of fans takes me too seriously when I call for jihad and his head on a platter from the Kodak Theatre stage. No, no. Much better to speak from this Airport Denny's where the P.C.A's are taped.
So, again, thank you America. Thank you, President Bush, for giving me so much to work with.
On a Cocktail Napkin
Dear Michael Moore,
Poopy poopy poopy. Head, dead, sled. Poo-oo-oo-oo-py. Ladidididididida. Heh.
I'm on cocaine. I'm mister snorty! Yaaay!
Truly one of the greatest intellectual debates in history.