Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, September 29, 2004
(We join the presidential debate already in progress.)
Moderator: Mr. President, many people have criticized your administration for the unilateral approach you took toward the war in Iraq. If you had it to do over again, would you heed the advice of the world community and give the U.N. weapons inspectors more time to find evidence of weapons of mass destruction?
Bush: Listen, cappy, them weapons inspectors had plenty of time to find them weapons. While they was runnin' around in the desert with their head up some camel's ass, Saddam and alla his cronies, y'know, like Dr. Germ and Lady Anthrax and Dirty Bomb Bob was plannin' to destroy our freedom. The world community had given Iraq chance after chance to not be invaded. How many chances to not be invaded are you gonna give a guy? If I had it to do all over again, I would do absolutely nothing differently except maybe I'd have Saddam actually have some dubya em dees so's I wouldn't have to catch all this shit from media types like you.
Moderator: Senator Kerry?
Kerry: Well, of course, if it had been up to me, we would not have invaded Iraq without financial and military support from many more countries than made up our "Coalition of the Willing." I would have gone before the U.N., made a stronger case for invasion and abided by their decision. But not in any pussy kind of way, because I'm very macho, you know.
Bush: Yeah? Well how many cans of Pabst can you do outta one beer bong?
Moderator: Mr. President, you're not allowed to respond directly.
Bush: I'm sorry. Cocaine makes me a little jumpy. Sorry.
Moderator: Senator Kerry, if elected, would you push to rescind President Bush's tax cut which gives a huge break to the wealthiest Americans?
Bush: I sure as hell wouldn't!
Moderator: The question was for Senator Kerry, Mr. President.
Bush: Oh. Sorry. Again, it's just the coke talking.
Kerry: I would push for repeal of Mr. Bush's tax cut. I don't think his argument that rich people always avoid paying anyway holds water. We have got to do something about the huge deficit under which we are now operating and the tax cut would be the first place I'd start. Sure, my wife might complain in that cute little accent of hers. She might say, "But Johnny-poo, that tax cut is good for us." But I'd take her firmly in hand, maybe apply a light spanking, and tell her, "Shh, Terri. Daddy knows what he's doing."
Moderator: Mr. President, one last question. Boxers or briefs?
Bush: Actually, pally, I'm going commando-in-chief, if you get what I'm sayin'.
Moderator: Ah. Right.
Bush: That means I'm not wearing underwear.
Moderator: Yes, sir, I underst--
Bush: I like a nice breeze on my pee-pee.
Moderator: And so we come to the end of our first debate. We'll see you again on the eighth in St. Louis. Good night.
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