Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Tuesday, October 26, 2004



I don't know about you, but I'm going nuts here. One week to go, the absentee ballots are coming in, the polls are showing a dead heat, the celebrities are pulling out all stops on both sides, getting out there to stump for their candidate. You got Springsteen, Bon Jovi, P. Diddy, both Clintons, Michael J. Fox for Kerry. And for Bush, they have...uh...isn't that one dipshit from the View a Republican? The whole country feels like it's desperately waiting for the laxatives to kick in.

I'm trying to get my mind off of things. At first, I figured maybe drinking myself into a stupor for a week might be a good idea, but the tight-asses who run the New York City Department of Education have these idiotic fucking "rules" about showing up to work drunk. Lemme tell you: the kids don't mind. You come into class drunk, it helps humanize you in their eyes. They think, "Hey! Mr. Wack is just like Dad! Hope he doesn't steal Mom's vacation fund." I like to think that a little vomit in class isn't an embarrassment, but rather an opportunity. It's like Instant Science Lab.

"Who can tell what Mr. Wack had for breakfast? Yes, Oscar?"

"Eggs and Demerol?"

So if booze isn't the answer, what is? I'd distract myself with exciting television, but I have just enough brain cells left that I can't make it through an average evening of network TV without putting a boot through the screen. I caught a little of Entertainment Tonight this evening and was absolutely appalled not only by the fact that Mary Hart is still alive and speaking on camera for a living, but that she seems to have been given a thousand milligrams of speed. The show would appear to be going for the younger, hipper, attention-spanally challenged audience with in-depth stories that last three seconds. I grant you, this is the same amount of content they used to pack into a four minute piece, but I get a little dizzy when Mary's moving in hyperspace like that.

And I won't get started on reality shows, except for one little gripe about the fact that they feel they have to do a recap after every fucking commercial break. Does their audience suffer from some nightmarish short-term amnesia wherein they have to be constantly reminded of things that happened four minutes ago? TNT's doing the same goddamn thing with their non-stop fucking Law & Order reruns. Mid-way through the show, they pause to go through "The Investigation So Far," which shows us a highlight reel from the first half of the show, in case any of us just got our heads unstuck after thirty harrowing minutes trapped in a crockpot. I haven't looked too closely, but I suppose it's possible they just show the exact same "Investigation So Far" every night. I know I wouldn't be able to tell the goddamn difference.

It's clear, then, that television is not the answer here, but rather part of the problem. You might, of course, be saying, "Joe, why not try meditation? Assume the lotus position and concentrate on Ohm for a good six days, emerging refreshed and ready to cast your ballot." To which I would reply that I used to attempt meditation and was a horrible failure. I invariably--but subconsciously--turned the Ohm into "Ooma mow mow papa oo mow mow," which did very little to relax me.

All of which leads me to the conclusion that I should shut off all electronic media and just find a good book to read. Maybe something by Sean Hannity. Bill O'Reilly? Ann Coulter? One of Newt Gingrich's exciting "alternate history" novels? Perhaps some Dr. Seuss instead.

well sheesh what are you so stressed about? don't worry about the elections yet silly. you are only permitted to panic if Bush is re-elected. in that case, you really should bust a cap...then move to canada! it does no good to fret now though...i applaud your choice of reading over drinking. way to go. ha.
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