So Halloween is coming up and I'm scrambling, like I do every year, to come up with a really killer costume idea. I know that so many people are going to dress like Napoleon Dynamite or the hilarious "Can you hear me now?" guy from the Verizon commercials--God, that just never gets old--and I just want something truly original. I've narrowed it down to a handful of choices and I thought I'd run it by you.
- An undecided voter. I figured this costume would be pretty easy. I could just walk around with my head up my ass and drool.
- A Yankees fan. Again, a very easy costume. Drip a little mustard down the front of my shirt, make excuse after excuse and cry.
- Bush's foreign policy. Now, this one's a bit more abstract, but what I was thinking is that I could kind of wave my dick around and beat people up for bullshit reasons.
- A stem cell.
- A teacher who is utterly satisfied with their career and never bitches or gripes. For this, I would have to do a lot of research, because I've never met one of them.
- Shrimp cocktail. I have no idea how I'd pull this one off, but, man, I'd be delicious.
- A stripper. I know what you're thinking, but I have to say, for a 34-year old man, I have the boobs to manage this one.
- The Itch. This is a super-hero of my own design who's power is that he can make someone itch. See, then they're so busy scratching that they stop doing evil and he can catch them. It's really pretty ingenious when you think about it.
- A fluffy bunny.
- One of the million children Bush has Left Behind. I could carry around a book that I'm unable to read and act really hungry because my subsidized lunch program has no funding.
- Karl Rove's soul. Not sure how I could work this. How do you dress like you don't exist?
- John Kerry's campaign strategy. See above.
- Jello Salad. I would smear myself with mayonnaise and canned fruit and nobody would touch me.
- Spider-Man's fat older brother.
- A guy who's on fire. I don't know how long I could sustain this one, but it'd be spectacular.
- A spork.
I don't know if any of these will make the final cut. But whatever costume I end up in, I'm sure that it'll be half assed. That's just how I tend to do things.