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Wednesday, October 06, 2004


Death Guide 2004

Three more famous people kicked it in the last day or so. Gordon Cooper, one of the Mercury Seven astronauts caught that rocket to the sky. Rodney Dangerfield is getting an eternity of respect. And Nancy Reagan's old astrologer Joyce Jillson is dealing three-card monte in purgatory. In celebration of Jillson, and of death, I thought I'd consult the stars, reach into the near future and pull out of the ether some Upcoming Obituaries for the rest of 2004.

October 8: George Steinbrenner. Mr. Steinbrenner died of a ruptured ego upon the Yankees' Game 5 loss to the Twins in the AL Divisional Series, complicated by gastrointestinal bleeding brought on by a bad Yankee Stadium hot dog. No mourners are expected at the funeral.

October 17: Adam West. Beloved star of 60s television staple Batman, West passed away quietly in his Malibu apartment. In accordance with his will, his former co-star Burt Ward will be killed and buried with him.

October 22: David Blaine. The daredevil magician suffocated to death today, after spending his 6th day out of a scheduled 20 living in the womb of a yak in the Bronx Zoo. Blaine had hoped the stunt would amaze audiences and garner him the world record for stupid fucking shit.

October 27: Doris Day. The singing star of such romantic comedies as The Pajama Game and Pillow Talk shocked millions of people around the world today who hadn't realized she'd still been alive.

October 31: Richard Simmons. Mr. Simmons' halloween costume, a beautiful, slender fairy princess, was apparently not flame resistant.

November 3rd: George W. Bush. After a landslide loss in the 2004 presidential election, Bush climbed to the top of the White House with a semi-automatic rifle, taking shots at a group of Shriners on a tour of the White House grounds. Mr. Bush killed two Shriners and knocked the fezes off of two more before the Secret Service took him down.

November 14: Keith Richards. During a concert at Wembley Stadium, Mr. Richards stopped moving. Concert producers had him rushed to a nearby hospital, where an autopsy revealed that he had, in fact, been dead since 1988.

November 19: Ann Coulter. Ms. Coulter melted today when a young woman in gingham threw a bucket of water on her. Coulter is survived by a pack of flying monkeys.

November 27: Lara Flynn Boyle. Former Twin Peaks actress Lara Flynn Boyle imploded today.

December 7: Rupert Murdoch. The president of NewsCorp was tragically run down early this morning when he attempted to cross the street and accidentally got in the path of a Daily News truck making its morning rounds.

December 20: Horatio Sands. Sketch comedian Horatio Sands was murdered today by his employer Lorne Michaels. Witnesses say Michaels repeatedly stabbed Sands while shouting, "Are you cracking up now, Funny Boy?" NBC officials expressed their shock and said they blame the SNL Fat Man Curse.

December 31: Ralph Reed. Conservative Christian Ralph Reed was found dead tonight in a hotel room, apparently the victim of an overdose of bourbon, cocaine, amyl nitrate, ecstasy, anal lubricant and cough syrup. Reached for comment, God said, "Who?"

Mark your calendars, folks. We've got a lot of to dead celebrities over whom we can mawkishly obsess. Let's get cranking.