HAIRSHIRT
Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
|
HAIRSHIRT Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery |
|
Tuesday, October 19, 2004Def Political Slamma Jamma
With two weeks to go until the election, I thought, "What better way to celebrate our electoral process than through the magic of poetry?" So, I put out the call to poets from around the country to see if they could coalesce their feelings about George Bush, John Kerry and the whole thing into verse. Here then, are the winners of the First Annual Hairshirt FestPo.
First Place: Allanna Elwes, Grand Rapids, MI "O Mighty Bush, Thou Art Wondrous" Bush, thou art so powerful And thine wisdom is so true Protect us from the evildoers And from the lib'rals too. Thine fiscal policies do impress You've might'ly cut our tax You've done this with Christ as your guide An undeniable fact You've shored our borders up so they Are far more better guarded At least that's what they tell me, cause I'm mentally retarded Second Place: Corey Feldman, Hollywood, CA Rock Da Vote, Yo Rock it, Rock the Vote Rock it, Rock the Vote Take that vote and rock it Motherfuckin' clock it Vote, vote, rock Rock, rock, vote Look at me! Hey, look at me, guys! Third Place: Vidna Suharto Miami, FL "A Patriot's Prayer" Skyward, I look. Inward I listen To my God and my Heart I turn and wonder The question burns through the night through my brain and my soul How the fuck could anyone vote for the mental midget redneck dick? Lo, I am gazing into the abyss. Fourth Place: Wallace Parker Berlin Center, OH "The Song of Kerry" Come gather 'round ye children and make still your noises merry. 'Tis time to hear the tale of that most wondrous man, John Kerry. For twenty years, this senator has toiled on the hill He's done his best to legislate and draft both act and bill. He proudly served as altar boy inside a Catholic church And served in Vietnam, did he, this man who looks like Lurch. When he returned from Asia he had turned from Hawk to Dove And up the ass of Nixon he did bid his medals shoved. We've watched him now in three debates; it's been a sort of tonic To listen to a candidate who doesn't sound moronic. The first one he won handily, there's nobody denying. He kicked some ass both up and down til Bush was nearly crying. The second time? Not quite as great; he scored no knockout punch. He held his own as Bush's smirk did make us lose our lunch. His time in conflict number three was not as wisely spent. And what the fuck was up with that dumb lesbian comment? Despite his flaws, his boring voice, his stiffness on the stump, We have within our hearts a certain fondness for this shlump. And so November second, I will go and cast my vote. 'Cause if Bush is re-elected, I will slit my fucking throat. Truly a group of talented, beautiful poets. All of our "winners" will receive a free can of Alaska King Salmon and a scented candle from "Lights-n-Smells", the Cloyingest Store in the Mall. Additionally, our first place poet will be invited to address the 2005 graduating class at Mercy College. "Mercy College: Striving to Suck Less." Two weeks left, people. Vote, vote, vote, goddammit!
|
|
|||
| . | |||||
