Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Tuesday, October 19, 2004


Def Political Slamma Jamma

With two weeks to go until the election, I thought, "What better way to celebrate our electoral process than through the magic of poetry?" So, I put out the call to poets from around the country to see if they could coalesce their feelings about George Bush, John Kerry and the whole thing into verse. Here then, are the winners of the First Annual Hairshirt FestPo.

First Place:
Allanna Elwes, Grand Rapids, MI
"O Mighty Bush, Thou Art Wondrous"

Bush, thou art so powerful
And thine wisdom is so true
Protect us from the evildoers
And from the lib'rals too.

Thine fiscal policies do impress
You've might'ly cut our tax
You've done this with Christ as your guide
An undeniable fact

You've shored our borders up so they
Are far more better guarded
At least that's what they tell me, cause
I'm mentally retarded

Second Place:
Corey Feldman,
Hollywood, CA
Rock Da Vote, Yo

Rock it, Rock the Vote
Rock it, Rock the Vote
Take that vote and rock it
Motherfuckin' clock it
Vote, vote, rock
Rock, rock, vote

Look at me!
Hey, look at me, guys!

Third Place:
Vidna Suharto
Miami, FL
"A Patriot's Prayer"

Skyward, I look. Inward
I listen
To my God and my Heart
I turn and

The question burns through
the night
through my
brain and my soul

How the fuck could anyone
vote for the mental midget
redneck dick?

Lo, I am gazing into the abyss.

Fourth Place:
Wallace Parker
Berlin Center, OH
"The Song of Kerry"

Come gather 'round ye children and make still your noises merry.
'Tis time to hear the tale of that most wondrous man, John Kerry.
For twenty years, this senator has toiled on the hill
He's done his best to legislate and draft both act and bill.

He proudly served as altar boy inside a Catholic church
And served in Vietnam, did he, this man who looks like Lurch.
When he returned from Asia he had turned from Hawk to Dove
And up the ass of Nixon he did bid his medals shoved.

We've watched him now in three debates; it's been a sort of tonic
To listen to a candidate who doesn't sound moronic.
The first one he won handily, there's nobody denying.
He kicked some ass both up and down til Bush was nearly crying.

The second time? Not quite as great; he scored no knockout punch.
He held his own as Bush's smirk did make us lose our lunch.
His time in conflict number three was not as wisely spent.
And what the fuck was up with that dumb lesbian comment?

Despite his flaws, his boring voice, his stiffness on the stump,
We have within our hearts a certain fondness for this shlump.
And so November second, I will go and cast my vote.
'Cause if Bush is re-elected, I will slit my fucking throat.

Truly a group of talented, beautiful poets. All of our "winners" will receive a free can of Alaska King Salmon and a scented candle from "Lights-n-Smells", the Cloyingest Store in the Mall. Additionally, our first place poet will be invited to address the 2005 graduating class at Mercy College. "Mercy College: Striving to Suck Less."

Two weeks left, people. Vote, vote, vote, goddammit!