Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Thursday, October 28, 2004
The Ghost of Headlines to Come
As The Day draws nearer, I'm trying to find more and more ways of dealing with the anxiety of waiting. I'm steeling myself for the distinct possibility of another month-long wait for recounts and court decisions, 'cause you know both sides are going to cry foul if it's close. And it'll be close. I've decided not to hide from the fear in excessive masturbation or reality television, but rather to face it head on by imagining what the country might be like at the end of another Bush Administration. Rather than keep all that in my head, though, I figured I'd share. So here's some headlines from autumn 2008, in a world where Bush wins the election. If that actually happens, and I haven't killed myself, we can all take a look back and see how many of these came true. Won't that be fun? No, you're right, it would suck.
"Cheney Calls Halloween Book Burning 'Best Attended Ever'"
"Constitutional Amendment Banning Constitution Sails Through House"
"Three Men Shot Resisting Move to 'Fag Relocation Camp'"
"Two Years Later, Does Anyone Miss the NEA?"
"Abstinence Only Sex-Ed a Smashing Success, Says Bush"
"Percentage of Pregnant Teens with Genital Warts Reaches 50%"
"Last Non-Reality Television Show Canceled
According to Jim Had Long, Successful Run"
"Canada and Mexico Added to 'Hostile Nations' List"
"Kenneth Cole Rolls Out New 2009 Burka Line"
"CNN/USA Today Poll Finds 8 in 10 Americans Stay Drunk Most of the Time"
"Janeane Garafalo and Bruce Springsteen Execution Day Draws Near"
"Yankees Win World Series"
"Christ Returns; Tells World That Bush is 'Seriously Fucked Up'"
Sounds like a fun, fun world, no?