HAIRSHIRT
Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
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HAIRSHIRT Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery |
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Wednesday, October 27, 2004Hairshirt Horoscope (Now Every Wednesday)
Aries: People love your bright, sunny smile. Maybe not so much when you've got a lip full of cold sores. Or when you're drooling. Then there's the times you've got lipstick on your teeth. Actually, you should probably wear a mask of some sort.
Taurus: You're feeling on top of the world. You're suddenly possessed of an energy you never realized you could feel. Yeah, cocaine'll do that for you. Gemini: For some reason, you can't get Let's Hear it for the Boy out of your head. Maddening, isn't it? Damn you Deniece Williams! Cancer: You're about to lose the presidential election. Try not to cry, it's only the nation telling you how much they hate you. Leo: That guy you keep seeing on the corner is not the ghost of Frank Sinatra, come to wreak his vengeance upon you. It's just a homeless guy looking for recyclables. Frank Sinatra's ghost is in your medicine cabinet, behind the Midol. Virgo: Virgin, my ass. Libra: Try not to be so stupid today. If you're approached by any "wallet inspectors" on the subway, make sure you ask to see their badge before handing anything over. Scorpio: Mix the dry ingredients together in a small bowl. Slowly stir in the egg mixture until everything is just moist. Drop by spoonfuls onto the greased cookie sheet. Bake for 15 minutes, or until the cookies are a golden brown. Sagittarius: You really should have thought this whole sex-change thing through a little more thoroughly before the operation. Once it's off, chief, it's off. Capricorn: Speak not to me of your puny "God." I am Zargo the all-powerful. You should kneel. Kneel before the might of Zargo and be glad I suffer you to live, fool! Now get out of my sight. Begone! Aquarius: The phone brings you fantastic news today! Unfortunately, it's a wrong number and the news is for someone else. Still, it's nice to know there's good news out there, huh? Pisces: For the hundredth time, no, Charlize Theron is not going to fall in love with you. The stars are really goddamn sick of that question so stop fucking asking it.
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