Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
Hairshirt Horoscope (Now Every Wednesday)
Aries: People love your bright, sunny smile. Maybe not so much when you've got a lip full of cold sores. Or when you're drooling. Then there's the times you've got lipstick on your teeth. Actually, you should probably wear a mask of some sort.
Taurus: You're feeling on top of the world. You're suddenly possessed of an energy you never realized you could feel. Yeah, cocaine'll do that for you.
Gemini: For some reason, you can't get Let's Hear it for the Boy out of your head. Maddening, isn't it? Damn you Deniece Williams!
Cancer: You're about to lose the presidential election. Try not to cry, it's only the nation telling you how much they hate you.
Leo: That guy you keep seeing on the corner is not the ghost of Frank Sinatra, come to wreak his vengeance upon you. It's just a homeless guy looking for recyclables. Frank Sinatra's ghost is in your medicine cabinet, behind the Midol.
Virgo: Virgin, my ass.
Libra: Try not to be so stupid today. If you're approached by any "wallet inspectors" on the subway, make sure you ask to see their badge before handing anything over.
Scorpio: Mix the dry ingredients together in a small bowl. Slowly stir in the egg mixture until everything is just moist. Drop by spoonfuls onto the greased cookie sheet. Bake for 15 minutes, or until the cookies are a golden brown.
Sagittarius: You really should have thought this whole sex-change thing through a little more thoroughly before the operation. Once it's off, chief, it's off.
Capricorn: Speak not to me of your puny "God." I am Zargo the all-powerful. You should kneel. Kneel before the might of Zargo and be glad I suffer you to live, fool! Now get out of my sight. Begone!
Aquarius: The phone brings you fantastic news today! Unfortunately, it's a wrong number and the news is for someone else. Still, it's nice to know there's good news out there, huh?
Pisces: For the hundredth time, no, Charlize Theron is not going to fall in love with you. The stars are really goddamn sick of that question so stop fucking asking it.
hahahahaahahahahahaaaa....i'm still laughing because that post was so funny. whew! that's my work-out for today. ha. bravo, that was quite clever. i needed a good laugh. thank you whoever you are. have a fabulous day!....
:) Thanks to CL, for posting this link. These are funny... I just slammed my morning coffee and was reading my "taurus" horoscope thinking.. this guys good... no cocaine today though :)Post a Comment