Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Wednesday, October 20, 2004


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: If it looks like a duck, moves like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's probably a duck. But just because it looks like a female prostitute, walks like a female prostitute and has the same rates as a female prostitute, it may not be a chick. Just something to keep in mind as you organize your social calendar this week.

Taurus: When you were ten, putting on the cape and tights and running around saying you were Superman was cute. At age 42, it's very, very worrisome.

Gemini: You are bothered in the coming days by the nagging suspicion that you may have left an internal organ at a friend's house.

Cancer: Your husband is not cheating on you with that whore, Stacey, who lives down the block. He is not screwing her on your bed when you're still at work on Tuesday afternoons. He is most definitely not having her wear that lingerie he bought you last year that you don't like but that he's always trying to get you to wear. So rest easy. And don't come home unexpectedly on Tuesdays.

Leo: You should seek comfort this month in that old saying, "Money isn't everything." Also that old phrase, "They might someday find a cure for Herpes."

Virgo: Childless couples will find that this is a great week to conceive! Congratulations! Couples who don't want to have children will find that this is a lousy week for dependable condoms. Congratulations!

Libra: Try something new and exciting this week. Just don't be surprised if you throw it up twenty minutes later.

Scorpio: The mail brings you unexpected and wonderful news. Giant Eagle has a special on Carnation Sweetened Condensed Milk, three for $2.00! You lucky son of a bitch!

Sagittarius: Today might be a good day for you to just kind of lay low and not go anywhere or do anything. In fact, just reading this is probably not advisable. Just sort of lay in bed and pray.

Capricorn: Love. Exciting and new. Come aboard, we're expecting you. And love, life's sweetest reward, let it float, it floats back to you. The Love Boat, soon we'll be making another run. The Love Boat promises something for everyone. Set a course for adventure, your mind on a new romance. And love, won't hurt anymore. It's an open smile on a friendly shore. It's love. Welcome aboard, it's love.

Aquarius: Oh man, you are just so fucked. I, oh man, I can't even, oooh. It's, wow, it's just really bad. Dude.

Pisces: You've got something in your teeth. No, you just moved it. Right there at the gum line. Nope, still there. Oh, just get a fucking mirror.

Okay, I got the mirror but I still can't find it! Now I will be afraid to smile all day. Great.
That fucking whore, Stacey. I knew it!
You are hilarious.
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