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Tuesday, October 12, 2004


Radio Free Bush

There have been a lot of scurrilous rumors flying around the internet--and, subsequently, the mainstream press--over the last few days about a supposed "bulge" on President Bush's back during the first debate nearly two weeks ago. Bush-bashing liberals would have you believe that the President is incapable of stringing together a coherent sentence, and so gets lines whispered into his ear via a tiny receiver that gets a signal from this "electronic box" on his back. These same bleeding-heart lefties want you to believe that this system of prompts explains any number of things, from the President's noticeable slouch in that first debate (they say he slouched in an attempt to hide the bulge) to the fact that he has had, for years during press conferences, a tendency to stammer out "uhs" and "ers" for up to a good thirty seconds before suddenly bringing forth a line that might pass for eloquence if it wasn't for the ridiculous accent. These pinko commies have no shame. And don't even get me started on how they're trying to plant doubts about the intelligence of our Commander-in-Chief in the middle of a goddamn war! Don't even!

There are, thank you very much, Mr. Liberal, a myriad of possible explanations for why that bulge was there, one of which, I'm certain, will be forthcoming from the White House staff any minute now.
  • It might have been a jacket from Hilfinger's new fall line, most of which have strategically placed bulges to mimic a "gangsta" look.
  • It could be that the President wanted to keep his bible with him at all times and, as he wasn't allowed to have any books at the podium and he didn't have a pocket-sized bible, he opted to keep it on his back.
  • In this time of international terror, it's not implausible to think that the Secret Service refused to let the President even attend the debate without wearing a futuristic Personal Force Field Generator, which could be activated at the first sign of trouble and would protect Mr. Bush from bullets, thrown tomatoes or giant robots with laser beams in their eyes.
  • What if that bastard John "Bleeding Purple Heart" Kerry met with Bush backstage and slyly placed a really, really thick "Kick Me" sign on the President's back? I wouldn't put it past him.
  • Perhaps the bulge is a portal to a magical land of make believe in which President Bush likes to spend his free time, cavorting among the Gum Drop trees with the friendly Marshmallow People and planning his foreign policy.
  • Consider this: terrorists have used voodoo to grow a third arm out of the President's back. After amputating it and seeing it grow back repeatedly, White House doctors sealed off the stump with a mini-cryogenic storage box.
  • It's possibly a really big locator chip in case the President wanders off and gets lost.
  • Maybe he forgot to remove his odometer after going for an incredibly macho run earlier in the day.
  • Our President was kidnapped for the day by militant lesbians who replaced him temporarily with a Bushbot, the battery pack for which is located on its back.
  • Maybe it's a picture of his mom.

Any one of these are perfectly plausible explanations which the Kerry-blowing press doesn't want you to think about. No, they prefer to spread vicious lies. Well, I'll take the candidate who's never lied, thank you very much. The candidate who may be a recovering coke-head moron bible-thumper, but who always lets you know exactly where he stands. Even if somebody occasionally has to tell him where that is through a small wireless receiver deep in his ear.