Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Sunday, October 17, 2004


Rules Is Rules

I use my computer a lot. I spend a lot of time on-line, I do a lot of writing, I play a lot of lame-ass, came-with-the-computer Microsoft Office games. But I don't really know all that much about computers. I do what I have to do and let the tiny elves whose magic makes everything happen do their work without much inquiry. I assume my computer has bells and whistles, but I generally turn a deaf ear to them. For all I know, my computer could have a setting on which it walks the dogs, fixes dinner and changes my underwear, but I've never looked deep enough in it to find out. I'm one of those people to whom arrogant I.T. assholes feel justifiably superior.

Today, I'm looking around at the truly awe-inspiring amount of spam (gushing-teenage-whore-related and otherwise) that I receive on a daily basis and wishing there was something I could do aside from changing my e-mail address. I like my e-mail address. I've had it for years and, for the same reason I inexplicably feel sorry for paper bags that get run over repeatedly on the freeway, I'm kind of fond of it. So I'm feeling my way around Microsoft Outlook and I notice a thing about "rules." I'm expecting some sort of "Leaves of three, let it be" kind of stuff. Turns out, I can set up my e-mail to automatically delete e-mails with certain words in the subject heading; I can automatically forward e-mail from certain people; I can automatically reply to every e-mail with a hearty "Fuck Bush." All of this at my discretion. I set the rules.

I thought, then, that it might be a good idea to inform everybody of the rules to which any correspondence you send me will be expected to adhere.
  • Automatically reply to e-mail from creditors to inform them of my death in a horrible speed-walking accident.
  • Open all attachments, have them checked by bomb-sniffing dogs, then close them again and mark them with a "Certified Bomb-Free" sticker.
  • Reply with a kick to the nards to any e-mail containing the phrases "I usually never send these" and "forward this to twelve friends and watch the love come back to you."
  • Alert me of new mail in my In Box with the sound of Jimmy Fallon being hit in the face with a putrefying cucumber.
  • Send to the trash any e-mail lacking conviction.
  • Spritz all outgoing e-mail with a touch of Jennifer Lopez's Glow perfume.
  • Delete every third e-mail just for shits and giggles.
  • Randomly insert some wacky Emoti-cons into all outgoing resumes.
  • Forward all e-mail with subject line reading "Increase Your Cock Size!!!" to until the son of a bitch stops compensating for his penile inadequacies by invading other countries.
  • Do not download from the server any e-mail that might harsh my mellow.

In these ways, I hope to make my on-line experience much more pleasant.