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Monday, October 25, 2004


Straight from the Horse's Ass

George W. Bush spoke on Good Morning America this morning to his old pal Charlie Gibson. You may remember the congenial way the president yelled at Charlie during the debate he moderated. It was the second one, the one where he only looked smug, stupid and evasive, not marrow-chillingly incompetent. Anyway, one of the many wonderful things he told Charlie this morning was that he's unveiling this week a brand new stump speech. Apparently, either people are getting sick and fucking tired of his old one or it's getting harder and harder for him to sling his ridiculous bullshit with a straight face. Whatever the reason, Hairshirt has obtained a copy of the Bush's new speech and we now present it to you, unedited.

"Thank yew! Thank yew [sic]! Mah thanks to the guv'nor and to all the fine people at Friendly Earth Petrochemicals and Waffles for their hospitality. It's funny. I've known Friendly Earth's C.E.O., Cubby Dawson, since we were kids. We served in the same unit in the mighty Texas Air National Guard. Cubby, do you remember the time we were drinking champagne out of the hooker's diaphragm and--oh, right. Folks, sometimes I have to stop myself and tell myself to get back on track. It may look like somebody's telling me what to say from some control room somewhere, but it's really just me trying to get myself back on track. Unlike some Ivy League types on the democratic ticket, I don't have those fancy debate skills like coherency. I'm just a reg'lar guy like y'all.

"Anyway, I wanted to welcome everybody in this handpicked and loyalty-oath-signin' crowd. I've had some problems once or twice since we been on the road here where we've had some what you might wanna call unfriendly folks in the crowd, so we like to root 'em out early here. So allow me to say, you're all a bunch of horse-fucking dipshit retards!"

[Cheers from crowd.]

"Good. You all seem properly friendly. So now, my opponent's been talking all day about some missing nucular material over there in Iraq. He wants you to believe that there's some kind of non-braininess goin' on in my adnimistration that caused all that stuff to go missing. That's just fucking stupid. He wants you to be scared. My friends, you don't got to be afraid of anything, because we're showing the terrorists how resolved we are. I'm'a go on Fox News tomorrow night and jest stare at the camera for twenty minutes, just sort of stare all them sumbitches down. They'll see my resolve. So while Senator Kerry plays the Politics of Fear, I'll be playing the Politics of Bein' a Righteous, Firm Strong-Standing Guy.

"Now, if my opponent should happen to win, which is just what the terrorists want, by the way, so you'd be helping the terrorists if you vote for him, anyway, if my opponent should happen to win, Dick Cheney feels pretty certain that the terrorists will blow up Pittsburgh. You'll notice it ain't me that 's sayin' it, it's Dick Cheney, don't go layin' that on me. So don't give in to the Politics of Fear.

"Also today, you may've heard that one of them judgey guys has cancer. You know what that means, right? It means I'm'a get to name me a Supreme Court guy. Now, don't you worry. I'm gonna look at as many of them coloreds and Messicans as I can and if we c'n find one that don't like fags and abortions, we're going to get him on that bench. 'Cause I don't think activist judges should tell you who you can and can't deny rights to. And the liberal media will trot out example after example of men gays and women gays who've been together for twenty-plus years and tell you that they deserve the same rights as real couples. All I got to say to that is that God says he don't like faggots and so if they're allowed to get married, God will call his mighty arm down and destroy us. So resist my opponent's Politics of Fear and put me back in the White House.

"One last thing. People been asking me how we're going to follow up on the war in Iraq. There's all kinds of people sayin' this sort of pre-emptive unilateral war is going to lead to invasions of all other sorts of random places. Folks, there ain't nothing random about it. I've been thinking day and night (or at least until I get a headache from all that thinking) about this problem and I've made a decision. It's hard work making decisions. It's also hard work spelling unilateral, but we'll keep that on the QT. Anyways, here's the plan: I'm going to open this decision up to the American public, the greatest public in the world. I want you to write down on a 3' x 5' index card what country you think we should invade next and why. We'll select the best answer and that's where we'll be heading next. So send your entries to "Where We Going, Mr. President?" c/o 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, Washington D.C., 00982. Winning entry gets the complete Boxed set of Pat Boone's Greatest Recordings. Good luck, America. And God Bless the United States of...what's that again?...oh, shit, right, America.

hahaha. oh so witty. the scary thing is, it's not far off at all.... AH!
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