Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
To Veep, Perchance to Dream
(We join the Vice-Presidential Debate already in progress.)
MODERATOR: Mr. Vice-President, I have to remind you that guns are not permitted in this venue and are against debate rules.
CHENEY: (Waving his Uzi around) That's the kind of pussy logic that's gonna hand this country over to the Soviets.
EDWARDS: Mr. Cheney, the Soviet Union dissolved years ago.
CHENEY: Go fuck yourself, hairdo. (He flips the safety on and tosses the gun to a secret service agent offstage.) Next question.
MODERATOR: Senator Edwards, during the Democratic primary, you expressed some ideas about healthcare that didn't seem to jibe with the position of your now-running mate. Which of those ideas have you brought to the campaign?
EDWARDS: Let me tell you something, I have spent enough time over the years in hospital waiting rooms, trolling for clients, that I've gotten to know the American health care system pretty darn well. You've got a bunch of huge corporations out there afraid to give their clients the services they need and deserve because it has a negative impact on their own bottom line. That's no way to treat someone who's ill. It's a symptom of the Two Americas we have out there. It needs to change. Also, I've got to say that medical supply companies charge way, way too much for foam neck braces. Even if you buy 'em in bulk.
MODERATOR: Mr. Vice-President?
CHENEY: This candy-assed little pretty boy talks like there's something wrong with huge corporations. Listen, you piss-ant prairie punk, without huge corporations, there would be no U.S.A., you got me? So instead of whining and suing them and taking their money, why don't you get down on your calloused fucking knees and thank them for allowing you to exist.
MODERATOR: Mr. Cheney, I really don't want to have to remind you again that this debate is being aired live on network television and you should censor your language.
CHENEY: Sensor my fucking colon, dipshit. This is how a real man talks. I think the nation needs to know the difference between a real man and a shiny suit full of quivering bitch.
EDWARDS: Okay, that's enough, old man. (He throws his jacket to the floor and loosens his tie.) You're about to eat more carpet than your daughter.
CHENEY: (Throwing over his chair) I'm going to take you down like a Kennedy in the sixties!
(They grapple and fight. Cheney rips chunks of Edwards' hair out. At one point, Cheney has a small heart attack, then continues fighting. Finally, the moderator steps around his table and brandishes a taser.)
MODERATOR: Gentlemen, if you don't return to your places, you will be finishing this debate as quivering heaps of jelly..
(Cheney and Edwards limp back to their corners.)
MODERATOR: Let's have your closing remarks.
EDWARDS: Haliburton. NeoCon. Liar.
CHENEY: Insubstantial. Pussy. Trial lawyer.
MODERATOR: Thank you. We're done now. Go home. (To himself) I can't fucking wait for November 3rd.