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Friday, November 05, 2004


Conspiracy in Pink

By the time you read this, I may be dead. I have been working for the past three years--at the behest of my pastor, Pastor John Flippy of the First Church of the Assumption--undercover in the Gay Community. I presented myself as a sympathetic straight guy, occasionally introducing myself as "bi-curious" just to gain access to the gays' inner sanctum (and I'm not using that in any kind of perverty way). My agenda during that time was to ascertain the nature of the gay conspiracy in the U.S. Finally, I've achieved my goal, though it may cost me my life. I'm living now constantly in fear that my door may be broken down and my home invaded by wild bands of hairdressers who will destroy any evidence of their plot and then scratch my eyes out while blaring ABBA on my stereo to cover my screams.

You see, last night, after three psyche-scarring years of pretending to laugh at Absolutely Fabulous and care about Olympic ice skating, I got my hands on the Gay Manifesto, the document in which the Gays lay out their plan for world domination. Don't ask me to recount the specifics of how I got this information. Suffice it to say I'll never look at Jim Nabors the same way again. Here now is that document in full.

Brothers, sisters and hermaphrodites,

The time is nigh. We are poised to move our agenda as never before in 2005. John Kerry seems to be a lock to win the presidency. [Editor's note: This document appears to have been written in late October of this year.] We begin our move forward on the day of his inauguration. Phase One of our plan is simple. Once Gay Marriage has been legalized, sleeper cells in cities around the country will wed en masse. Not only will men marry men and women marry women, but men will marry children, women will marry polar bears and pre-op transexual hookers will marry houseplants. We want to make sure that, by the time we're done, the institution of marriage is a complete laughing stock. This should send the divorce rate sky high as those straight fools find their wedding vows now ringing hollow. When the divorces happen, we move straight (you should pardon the expression) to Phase Two.

In Phase Two, we go on the recruitment drive to end all recruitment drives. Those dumb heterosexuals will all be feeling very vulnerable, maybe even drinking heavily. We'll swoop in while they're at their weakest and have butt sex with them. This will turn them gay. Then they'll help us spread our mental illness around the world!

Phase Three will begin when the last married couples on earth finally throw in the towel. Then, while most of the planet is devolving into a worldwide orgy, we'll storm the White House and the Kremlin and wherever it is that those limeys have their leadership and we'll kick them out of power, putting our Fuhrer, Richard Simmons in charge.

Under his rule, really macho, God-fearing men will be placed in concentration camps where they'll be forced to watch endless episodes of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and Will & Grace. This will break their spirit even further.

Finally, we will buy tankers full of pink paint and color every corner of the globe a nice bright fuschia.

Remember, my fellow perverts: Today San Francisco, tomorrow the World! Hugs!

Harvey Fierstein, your secretary of conquest.

I just thank God that 11 states passed anti-gay marriage initiatives this week. Otherwise, the Gays might have been able to follow through with their plan. I only pray that our President, George W. Bush has the courage to lead us toward a national amendment to preserve the sanctity of marriage. I mean, can you imagine the horror of a world in which marriage vows meant nothing, in which people cheated on one another and got divorced a lot? In which some people's marriages were loveless shams? My lord, what a nightmare that would be.

Holy cow, I've been called the Sarcasm Jedi, but I can't hold a candle to you!
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