Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Monday, November 29, 2004


Dear Flabby

I’ve been getting so many people who, having read my wisdom-filled posts, have written to me asking advice on everything from how to best prepare Lamb with Mint Chutney to how to give their wives multiple orgasms using a tuba that I felt it just wasn’t right to deny them my incredible insight. So I’m taking today to give you, the miserable and the misery-enjoying, the benefit of my keen, keen mind by answering your pathetic cries for help.

Dear Hairshirt,
My mother-in-law was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease, which came as a huge shock to the whole family, especially my wife and I, who had just borrowed a large sum of money from her. My dilemma is this: if, because of the Alzheimer’s, she no longer remembers that we borrowed the money, are we still obligated to pay her back? I mean, wouldn’t it just confuse her?
Bob Pflug
Edmonton, Alberta

Hey Bob,
I’m a bit shocked and very much appalled by your question. Should you take advantage of a sick woman—a woman who needs your understanding, support and love, now more than ever—in order to further your financial status? Of course you should. Borrow more money. Those leeches in the health care industry are going to be sinking their fangs in soon enough. Get now while the getting’s good.

Dear Joe,
I’m having problems with my business partners. I opened up a store with them after my old business literally went up in flames. These girls are like daughters to me, but they’ve got no business savvy and they’re really in over their heads, which is, by coincidence, the name of the store. Their incompetence is going to sink this store quickly, and they’re going to drag me down with them. Legally, is there a way I can get out of this venture with my credit, reputation and bank account intact?
Edna Garrett
Peekskill, NY

Legally? No. Legally, you took these girls on as partners and now you’re stuck with them. It doesn’t sound like you can buy them out and you can’t force them out. Illegally, though, there’s plenty you can do. You say these girls are like daughters to you, which means having them killed probably isn’t an option. Have you thought, though, about getting rid of the store? You say your last store went up in flames. If it happened once, it could happen again. To paraphrase the late, great Stephen King, “A little arson can be an unhappy woman’s best friend.”

Dear Joe,
I’m not dead. I’m just pale.
Stephen King
Bumfuck, Maine

Whoops! My bad. Maybe if you wrote something I wanted to read, I wouldn’t be making these mistakes.

Dear Hairshirt,
I’m pregnant and I’m not sure who the father is. See, my boyfriend and I broke up a few weeks ago and I had a one-night fling with a friend of mine. Then my boyfriend and I decided to give it another shot. Now, either of them could be the father and I just don’t know what to do. I didn’t tell my boyfriend about the fling with my friend; I don’t know how he’d react. And if it is my friend’s, I know he doesn’t want to settle down and I don’t think I’d want to settle down with him anyway. I need help.
Luanne Hufflinger
Charleston, West Virginia

Wow, Luanne,
A couple of things pop into my head right off the bat. The first is that you probably shouldn’t have signed your real name. That was pretty fucking dumb, especially if your boyfriend or your friend can read. The second thing is that you’re a whore. A filthy, filthy whore! Hark ye, daughter of Jezebel! If ye fail to repent and mend thy devil-sucking ways, the baby scrabbling at thy teet will be the least of thine worries, paling in comparison to the lake of eternal hellfire that awaits ye and all other fornicators who defile the temples of thine bodies. So good luck with that.

That’s all the advice I have time for, folks. So now you’re going to have to solve the rest of your problems on your own.

First of all, I'm absolutely thrilled to see my hometown mentioned in an entry on the legendary Hairshirt. Seriously. I'm kind of pathetic that way.

Second of all, your comment that "those leeches in the health care industry are going to be sinking their fangs in soon enough" was off-base, since we have socialized medicine up here. Nyah nyah.


P.S. Gay marriage, too.

P.P.S. And public schools so good that rich people send their kids to them.

P.P.P.S. And now Céline Dion lives in the States.
Okay, you can't knock The Gunslinger Series.
Hey, ass ranger, I thought that 'Over Our Heads' shit was off the record!?

What happened to the blogger/reader privelege, you lousy piece of Patmos?

You can forget about my facilitating a romantic rendezvous between you and NAMBLA poster boy MacKenzie Astin. That ship has sailed--he will never be your catamite! You'll have to settle for Danny Pintauro now! May your pederastic excess be your undoing!

(But thanks for the advice!)

Gotta run, I've got some tasty scones in the oven!
You do realize, Edna, that Danny Pintauro is a grown gay man living in New York. I am, however, not inclined to pursue the Love That Formerly Dared Not Speak Its Name But Now Has Shows on Cable.
My, they grow up soooo fast. It seems like just yesterday that I weaned Conrad Bain. I guess MacKenzie is probably getting near to high school these days as well. Perhaps Mac and Danny should star in a Queer as Folk episode?
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