Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Thursday, November 04, 2004


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: You have a vague, uneasy feeling. Almost as if the country was completely fucked for the next four years.

Taurus: Your creative powers are at their peak today. The novel you've been working on is still a piece of shit, though. Try "creating" something a little less demanding, like maybe a sandwich.

Gemini: The next few days prove completely humiliating, as you repeatedly leave for work in the morning without putting on your pants. Probably you should stick to your "No crystal meth on a weeknight" rule.

Cancer: It's not that people don't like you. Well, no, okay, actually that's exactly what it is. It's time you knew.

Leo: Who can turn the world on with a smile? Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile? Well it's you, girl, and you should know it. With each laugh and every little move, look, you show it. Love is all around, no need to waste it. You could have the town. Why don't you take it? You're gonna make it after all.

Virgo: Within the next few days, you will come into a large amount of money. Sadly, you will blow it all on macaroni salad. Virgo, you need to learn that there can be too much of a good thing, especially when it doesn't keep outside the refrigerator.

Libra: You are about to lose your job. Fortunately for you, there may be an opening for "Leader of the Palestinian People" real soon. You should apply. Pay sucks, but there's a 401(k).

Scorpio: You are horrified to discover that your hot new lover is actually your long-lost sister. So horrified, in fact, that you break it off in another week or so.

Sagittarius: When the voices in your head start telling you to kill your neighbor, you should not listen to them. When they tell you to take a shower, already, you might want to go ahead and do it.

Capricorn: This is not a good time to think too much about the future. Put any thoughts you may have about retiring on the back burner, say for at least four years. Especially if you're a Supreme Court Justice.

Aquarius: The more passionately you argue that "Dancing on the Ceiling" is the greatest pop song ever, the longer it will be until you get laid.

Pisces: You need to face your hair loss and not try to hide it with that awful comb-over, ma'am.

These are hilarious. You should post a link to each of them on your sidebar. Unless you're lazy.

Oh, and from Canada, our *sincerest* condolences on that whole "another four years of Bush" thing. We're depressed enough about it up here - I can't imagine actually having to live under him.
I hope you don't mind, I invited a few people to your party.
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