Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Wednesday, November 10, 2004


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: Nobody on the train is fooled by your sniffing the air and saying, "Oh my God! Who did that?"

Taurus: For single Taureans, this may be the week you find true love! For married Taureans, this may be the week you find a completely unexpected STD. Whoops!

Gemini: Having already completed all of your Christmas shopping is not something you should brag about. It doesn't make you "super efficient." It makes you "completely without a life" and "an obnoxious dipshit." Having said that, I really hope you got me that new Neko Case CD I asked for.

Cancer: Congratulations! You're the new Attorney General! God knows you couldn't fuck it up worse than the last guy.

Leo: You live up to your sign this week when you show the courage of a lion in dealing with adverse situations. Unfortunately, you also show your sign's tendency to maul and eat gazelles during a trip to your local zoo.

Virgo: Everything works out for you and you get everything you've ever desired in life. No, I'm kidding. Actually, you've got a tumor.

Libra: Don't go to bed with no price on your head. No, no. Don't do it. Don't do the crime if you can't do the time. No, no. Don't do it. And keep your eyes on the sparrow, when the going gets narrow. Why can't I go where the cold wind won't blow? Well, well, well, well, well.

Scorpio: This is not a good time to make major decisions regarding your finances. It's okay to shell out a buck fifty for some eggs, but that should be about the limit to your spending.

Sagittarius: Peeing in a confessional booth and pistol-whipping a nun is not a good way to "call God out." Just leave God a message and he'll get back to you when he can. He's fucking busy, dude.

Capricorn: You're feeling underappreciated this week, like everyone takes you for granted. This will not last, Capricorn. Once you kill the first hostage, they'll see just how important you are.

Aquarius: Your corn muffins are burning!

Pisces: You're starting to get the feeling that sitting at home on Fridays, watching Hope & Faith and The George Lopez Show isn't quite fulfilling enough. Pal, that's what Pay-Per-View is for!