Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Wednesday, November 17, 2004


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: Some things you need to get clear before you conduct any more on-line business: There is no banker in Zaire who needs you to deposit his money in your account; the e-mail from the "Biling Depratment" wasn't sent by your ISP; your penis will not be enlarged. It's tiny. Deal with it.

Taurus: Your dreams this week are haunted by a mysterious figure in black. Don't worry, it's not the grim reaper. It is, however, the late Paul Lynde. Personally, I think the reaper is less disturbing.

Gemini: You are plagued by the inescapable notion that you left your iron on this morning. Do not worry. You don't own an iron. I mean, come on, just look at your pants. Have they ever even seen an iron? I think not.

Cancer: Your dreams of becoming a celebrated inventor are dashed when you finally realize that the world doesn't need or want a condom made out of coleslaw.

Leo: And on a star-spangled night, my love, you can rest your head on my shoulder. While by the dawn's early light, my love, I will defend your right to cry. Love American-style. That's me and you!

Virgo: Before making travel plans, re-evaluate your budget. The trip to Jamaica will have to wait. You can, however, afford to get stoned and sit in your bathtub while you play a Ziggy Marley CD. Oh, wait. Never mind. You can't afford the CD, either. Well, you can hum.

Libra: That's not dry skin. That's leprosy.

Scorpio: Shaving your ass may seem like a good idea right now. When your buns start itching like crazy at work, you may see things a little differently.

Sagittarius: The acid is just about to kick in and you jklasgr 0894wnkl sajkl zxnmjias!@.

Capricorn: You are not ready for children. You are not ready for a dog. You are not ready for a goldfish or a houseplant. You are, in fact, pretty much in need of a nanny for yourself.

Aquarius: You meet the man you are destined to marry this week. Don't let the fact that he's wearing milk carton shoes and has his dick out put you off.

Pisces: You are promoted at work! You're moving from the fry station to the McNuggets! Your master's degree is finally paying off. Mazel tov!

I have just discovered your site via Butterscotch's blog. Very entertaining. Yet another source of humourous distractions for me to keep tabs on, especially Wednesday.
Yes, isn't he great? Must be the teacher in him. And here I am talking about the author like this isn't his blog. Must remedy this...

Mr. Hairshirt, you do have a talent for words. Though I may not comment a lot, I faithfully read each post. Thank you for sharing.
Stop, you're making me blush. Or else this is a high blood-pressure attack.
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