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Wednesday, November 17, 2004

 

Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: Some things you need to get clear before you conduct any more on-line business: There is no banker in Zaire who needs you to deposit his money in your account; the e-mail from the "Biling Depratment" wasn't sent by your ISP; your penis will not be enlarged. It's tiny. Deal with it.

Taurus: Your dreams this week are haunted by a mysterious figure in black. Don't worry, it's not the grim reaper. It is, however, the late Paul Lynde. Personally, I think the reaper is less disturbing.

Gemini: You are plagued by the inescapable notion that you left your iron on this morning. Do not worry. You don't own an iron. I mean, come on, just look at your pants. Have they ever even seen an iron? I think not.

Cancer: Your dreams of becoming a celebrated inventor are dashed when you finally realize that the world doesn't need or want a condom made out of coleslaw.

Leo: And on a star-spangled night, my love, you can rest your head on my shoulder. While by the dawn's early light, my love, I will defend your right to cry. Love American-style. That's me and you!

Virgo: Before making travel plans, re-evaluate your budget. The trip to Jamaica will have to wait. You can, however, afford to get stoned and sit in your bathtub while you play a Ziggy Marley CD. Oh, wait. Never mind. You can't afford the CD, either. Well, you can hum.

Libra: That's not dry skin. That's leprosy.

Scorpio: Shaving your ass may seem like a good idea right now. When your buns start itching like crazy at work, you may see things a little differently.

Sagittarius: The acid is just about to kick in and you jklasgr 0894wnkl sajkl zxnmjias!@.

Capricorn: You are not ready for children. You are not ready for a dog. You are not ready for a goldfish or a houseplant. You are, in fact, pretty much in need of a nanny for yourself.

Aquarius: You meet the man you are destined to marry this week. Don't let the fact that he's wearing milk carton shoes and has his dick out put you off.

Pisces: You are promoted at work! You're moving from the fry station to the McNuggets! Your master's degree is finally paying off. Mazel tov!

Comments:
Stop, you're making me blush. Or else this is a high blood-pressure attack.
 
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