Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Friday, November 12, 2004


He Writes the Songs, He Writes the Songs

I know you've probably heard the same things I have about why John Ashcroft is resigning as Attorney General: He wants to spend more time with his family; he's too controversial after the PATRIOT ACT thing; his alien masters have recalled him to planet Zygo. Any one of these sounds plausible to me. Except that I just heard from a very well-placed source in the Justice Department (which always sounded like a really cool government-sanctioned splinter group of the Justice League to me) that the real reason is nothing quite so pedestrian.

The truth? The man simply wants to devote more time to his musical career. Thanks to Michael Moore, we've all had the great good fortune of seeing/hearing Ashcroft's melifluous warbling of Let the Eagle Soar. Well friends, let me be the first to inform you that you ain't heard nothing yet. The soon-to-be-former Top Sheister in the Land has a brand new album coming out in early '05 and yours truly just so happens to have received a copy of the liner notes. Unfortunately, my source at Justice wasn't able to send me the album itself, but she tells me that a friend in the steno pool (I didn't realize there still was such a thing as a steno pool, but apparently Ashcroft had them reinstall one as soon as he took office as part of a bold initiative to take our country back to the good old days of the 1950s) was asked to type the liner notes up and she ran off a few extra copies.

The album is dedicated " George, who believed in me when the people of my home state had kicked me to the curb and pissed all over me." Ashcroft thanks Dick Cheney, Don Rumsfeld and the entire cabinet, along with Jimmy Buffet and Wang Chung. The really great part, though, is the song lyrics. The album seems to be a sort of Country & Western affair, as the lists of musicians who played on each of the songs tend to list "Second slide guitar," "bow fiddle" and a little something called the "corn-cob harmonikay." The songs--and there are thirteen of them--are all originals, with the exception of a somewhat inexplicable cover of The Theme from Shaft. The titles of Ashcroft's songs fill one with anticipation. Songs like "I'm Not at Liberty to Love You", "All My Rowdy Friends Have Now Found Jesus, Thank You Very Much" and "Missin' Joe McCarthy" all sound destined to shoot to the top of the charts.

I don't have space to share everything, but here're the lyrics to my two favorite songs:

Hey! What You Been Reading?

You were lookin' at me
In the lib-er-ar-y
I was standin' in the checkout li-i-ine.

Wasn't gettin' nothing fancy
Just the latest from Clancy
And I thought you looked so mighty fi-i-ine.

But to my dismay
What I learned that day
Was there's no way you will ever be mi-i-ine.

Hey there beautiful, what you been reading?
'Cause it looks from where I sit like your heart's a-bleeding.
By the looks'a what you checked out
There don't seem to be no doubt
That a lengthy term in jail's what you're a needing.
Hey hey hey hey hey! What you been reading?

You were settin' off sparks
With that book by Marx
And despite your smokin' bo-o-od,

I don't want to nag
But it sends up a flag
When you're readin' all about the jiha-a-ad

There's no Mother Goose
And no Doctor Seuss
Y'see the FBI is findin' it o-o-odd.

(Repeat chorus twice, fade)

I Stole Your Rights, You Stole My Heart

Little darlin', when you walked right my door
I didn't think that I could take no more.
I watched you walk away from me
So now I've curtailed your liberty
I stole your rights, you stole my heart.

I stole your ri-i-ights, you stole my heart
I should've seen you'd leave right from the start.
You tell me that you're leavin' me,
But you cain't talk if your speech ain't free.
I stole your rights, little lady,
You stole my heart.

Saw your picture in the paper yesterday.
It was you and your fiancee (he looked gay).
You've made me feel just like a clown
So now I'm shuttin' the paper down.
I stole your rights, you stole my heart.


Well I guess our love's a ship that's now done sailed,
But it looks like my heart's still securely jailed.
Well it may just be there awhile
Hey, it might never come to trial.
I stole your rights, you stole my heart.

(Repeat Chorus twice, fade out.)

I think this album is going to sweep next year's CMA Awards, along with the People's Choice Awards and the Latin Grammys. Good luck, John-John, in your next brilliant career.