Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Wednesday, November 03, 2004


Hey Ho "Way to Go" Ohio

Let me start by saying, "Oh, shit."

I'm just too depressed to write today. Tears falling on the keyboard could very well cause my computer to short out. Because of this, the horoscopes will come tomorrow. Today, though, I have a guest blogger. I wanted to find someone who could speak to what happened last night. So, here to explain things, my guest blogger: America.

Hey, thanks Joe. Hi, folks. Uh, wow. Quite a night, huh? I didn't get a whole lotta sleep. More of me turned out for this thing than at any time in forty years and it didn't change a fucking thing, huh? Yep. Now, I know a lot of people around the world are wondering how this could have happened. They look at my buddy George and they see a zealot with no capacity whatsoever to reason through a line of thinking. They see a self-righteous megalomaniacal frat boy who's poured a whole shitload of gasoline on a fire in somebody else's backyard. They see an inarticulate boob who has turned his back on the entire rest of the globe.

They see all this and they think, "Well, surely America is not so completely senseless that it will choose once again to be lead by such a man. Surely the debacle that is the war in Iraq has shown them that this man has all the brains God gave a turnip. America itself is good. Despite what the government does, we like America and have faith that it will not fuck up so completely as to put this man back in the White House."

Whoops! Sorry. See, here's what most of you folks in other countries have failed to take into account: I'm retarded. I am so completely fucking gullible that I let the Bush administration scare me with stories of the boogie man and then let them reassure me with the claim that only they know how to help me. I'm so irretrievably moronic that I was led into believing that a war hero who realized how awful war is and that it should only be the very last resort is morally inferior to a man whose daddy paid for him to fly planes around Texas and snort cocaine while others were dying. I had someone begin the process of taking my rights away in the name of protecting me and I gave it up like Paris Hilton on prom night. Or any night, really.

I guess part of the problem is that I just don't pay attention. I mean, you've seen how fat and lazy I am. Hello? Do I look like the kind of country that's going to read magazines or search for actually informative websites when I can just sit back and let FOX News eat the facts for me and then spit them into my mouth half-digested? I would much rather just assume, when the president implies that Saddam Hussein was behind September 11th, that he's telling the truth. It's so much easier than using logic.

Anyway, I sure am glad that this whole election thing is over. I find it really mentally draining to focus on politics so much. All I want right now is to go back to watching E! and reading the article in US magazine about which one of the Olsen twins is the happier (I think it's Ashley!) Or maybe I'll just take a nice long nap and let Uncle Georgie steer the ship. And c'mon, you all have to love someone who's just so darn confident, don't you? You have to figure that God gave him that ego for a reason. Who am I to argue with his ego? Nobody. Just the sole remaining superpower.

I'd like to leave a wake-up call for 2008, please.

Okay. Thanks, America. Tomorrow, horoscopes.

As much as I appreciated this, I was hoping for horoscopes. I needed a reason to pull my head out of the covers.
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