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Thursday, November 18, 2004


Kick the Fuck out of the Habit

Today is the Great American Smokeout, a day when smokers across the country--and our tobacco-addicted friends up north, too--are encouraged to finally give up cigarettes. I know there's nothing worse than a sanctimonious ex-smoker, but I've gotta say: I quit nearly six years ago and it's one of the best things I ever did. So I thought I'd take today to help those who are still hooked on those "coffin nails"--mercy, what a clever expression that is--and offer some Tips to Quit Smoking.

  • Have your cat piss on every pack of cigarettes you buy. Trust me, cigarettes are not quite as tasty when soaked in ammonia-smelling urine. They're just barely tolerable.
  • Every time you get the urge to smoke, read a bible verse instead. (No, I'm just fucking with you. Smoking's much preferable to Jesus.)
  • Have your arms surgically removed.
  • Suck on a lollipop instead. A tar and nicotine-flavored lollipop that you can set on fire so that the sweet, sweet smoke fills both your lungs and the emptiness in your life.
  • Instead of putting the cigarette in your mouth, stick it in your ass, where it's much harder to inhale.
  • Smoke pot instead.
  • Visit a nursing home near you and hang out with the sixty-seven year-old tracheostomy patients who are smoking through the holes in their throats. If you still want a cigarette after that, you can usually bum one off of the respiratory therapists who all, inexplicably, smoke.
  • Train your dog to attack you whenever it sees you with a pack in your hand. (Not effective if your dog smokes, too, in which case he'll probably just bum one.)
  • Avoid those "waiting" situations--standing at the bus stop, rush hour in your car--when you'd normally light up by running everywhere at top speed instead. If necessary, you can also wave your arms maniacally while you do this and scream, "I need a fucking cigarette" like a banshee to anyone who stares at you.
  • Make a deal with yourself that every time you smoke, you have to do it outside, dressed in a crotchless jester costume.
  • When you get the craving for a butt, knock yourself unconscious with a cast-iron frying pan until the craving passes.
  • In lieu of smoking, drink a pint of vinegar. Eventually, your mind will equate the urge to smoke with gut-churning nausea and smoking will lose its allure.
  • Have that new "lung stapling" surgery where they close off most of your lungs, leaving just enough room for a sensible amount of air.
  • Change the form of the tobacco. Instead of smoking, get your nicotine and chemicals from chewing tobacco. That way, you rot your lip instead of your lungs. Plus, the spitting gives people a whole new reason to be repulsed by you.
  • Give up and just fucking smoke. Because, even six goddamn years later you're going to get the urge. It's pathetic. Just smoke, you lucky, lucky bastard.

I love you.
I love you too.
Having quit and started and quit numerous times, I'm trying to quit again. Having some tiny cylinder have so much control over you is insane. But regarding cutting your arms off to avoid smoking, there is a scene in the movie "Freaks" where a carnival freak with no arms and legs rolls a cigarette with his mouth and I am probably addicted enough to learn that skill.
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