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Monday, November 01, 2004


Rockabye the Vote

This is it. I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep tonight. I feel like a kid on the night before Christmas. A really lame Christmas where I was only going to get one present and it was either going to be a dress shirt that I could wear to church or a turd shoved up my nose. I'll leave it to you to decide which candidate is which present.

If you find yourself similarly worked up tonight, here are some ways you can ensure that you get enough REM sleep that you're not hallucinating in the booth and voting for the wrong person.
  • Listen to a tape of one of Bush, Sr.'s speeches. This has always worked for me. For one thing, he's got that Mr. Rogers sing-song quality in his voice that lulls me into drowsiness. For another, he was usually talking about things that didn't interest me in the slightest. Download him from the net. It's more effective than Sominex.
  • Warm milk and bourbon. My mom used to give me this one. You take a tablespoon of milk, mix in three cups of bourbon, then chug. Knocks you right out, plus there're fun "hey, the room is spinning" side-effects.
  • Read pedagogy textbooks. I'm reviewing these as part of my fun, fun Masters program and, trust me, you'll be asleep before you get through the first paragraph. If you're not, you should look into becoming a teacher. And giving me your job.
  • Have a big-game hunter rub your belly. (Only applicable if you're a crocodile.)
  • Ask an actor to "explain their process" to you. The only drawback to this is that they'll still be going on when you wake up and may, in fact, follow you into the bathroom so they can continue while you shower.
  • Do a quick pre-bed triathalon.
  • Hit yourself on the head several times with a rolling pin. I've never actually tried this, but it seems to have always worked in 1930s-era comic strips.
  • Two words: Slide Show!
  • Sit in your car in the garage with the car running. Make sure you have a "safety buddy" who will turn the car off after you've passed out. Your safety buddy should preferably be someone to whom you owe money, and thus has a vested interested in you staying alive.
  • Men, hang out with a large-breasted female friend and keep yourself from inadvertently glancing at her chest. Believe me, this is exhausting.
  • Counting sheep has never worked for me, so I like to count George W. Bush's foreign policy blunders.
  • Ensure total sensory deprivation by gluing your eyes shut and filling your ears with caulk.
  • A mid-night snack of turkey with turkey gravy and delicious garlic-valium mashed potatoes. You'll probably want to skip the pie and coffee, possibly substituting it with a few bong hits. (Hairshirt does not condone drug use. Neither do we condemn it.)

However you do it, make sure you get plenty of rest tomorrow so you can vote that screaming ass-monkey out of office.

I enjoy your blog very much and you seem like an astute fellow so I have a couple questions for you.

The conventional wisdom suggests that most Americans believe John Kerry beats George Bush on every issue except national security. But Kerry enjoys tremendous support in both New York City and Washington D.C. Is it possible that voters in the two cities that were attacked on September 11, 2001 have not examined the issue of national security as closely as the rest of the country? Isn’t it more likely that they have examined the issue of national security more closely than anyone else and come to different conclusions? I think your party’s campaign ought to highlight this.

As the election approaches, I understand that residents of Manhattan and D.C. live under an orange security alert as opposed to yellow in the most parts of the U.S. If these citizens are satisfied with or even prefer John Kerry’s national security credentials, shouldn’t the Kerry campaign be making that point to the rest of America?

I recognize that regional antipathies exist in the United States and that Republicans are more prone to exploit them but wouldn’t Americans in the South or the Midwest respect the assessment of the people who A. suffered most from the terrorist attacks and B. continue to live under a greater threat of future terrorist activity?

Or is the oft-repeated sentiment that George Bush makes America safer just code for something more sinister?

What say you, Joe?
Couple things, Huck.
First, the color-coded alert system is such bullshit that we could be under a red and orange plaid and it would have very little impact on our day-to-day life.
Second, most people in the middle of the country tend to see the inhabitants of New York as a combination of the characters from Annie Hall and the characters from Reefer Madness. They don't like us, they don't care what we thing and they probably feel we'd elect a cross-dressing satanist if given the chance. Or even Nader.
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