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Sunday, November 21, 2004


Rules Shmules

So Tom Delay gets to keep his job as House Majority Leader despite his indictment. There's a decent chance that an amendment will be added to the constitution to allow Arnold Shwarzenegger to run for the presidency. The CIA will no longer be providing actual intelligence, just reports to back up whatever the White House says. Seems like the GOP is grabbing its "mandate" and running with it. Which got me to thinking what other rule changes they might have in the works.
  • Publicly contradicting the president now punishable by caning.
  • Two virgins to be sacrificed monthly to Highmaster Cheney.
  • Instead of “the distinguished gentleman from [insert state]”, Democrats in the house will now be referred to as “the pissy little bitch-boy from [insert state].”
  • All cabinet meetings now begin with twenty minute snake-handling session.
  • Legislation no longer requires majority approval to pass, but rather “ten Republicans who dig it.”
  • Ted Kennedy required at all times to wear a clown suit and a cow bell.
  • Female legislators in both houses now assigned additional mandatory duties as “cloak room pleasure wenches.”
  • Cabinet members with non-neoconservative tendencies must undergo partial lobotomy.
  • Pledge of Allegiance now spoken exclusively in Tongues.
  • In the Senate, straight white males now get two votes to everybody else’s one.
  • State of the Union Address becomes “The Tostitos State of the Union Address.”
  • Congressional approval of Supreme Court nominees replaced by “approval from the Lord God Almighty, as spoken in dreams and omens to President Bush.”
  • Speaker of the House job now comes with official License to Kill.
  • Thirteen states have initiatives on the ballots to outlaw homosexual thoughts, up to and including the strong opinion that Tom Selleck looks better with a moustache.
  • Cabinet members now required to wear official uniform of pale blue jogging suit and white Nikes, and to take part in mandatory “drinking the Kool-Aid” drills.

I don't know about you, but I think this exciting new direction for our country is going to make things a lot better. After all, what did "debate" and "public discourse" ever get us? Nothin' but trouble.