Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
Aries: A word of advice on your post-Thanksgiving shopping—it doesn’t matter how good a bargain you’ve found, it is never a good idea to pull a switchblade at Target.
Taurus: You’re far too anxious about cooking dinner tomorrow. To the point where you stand a good chance of waking up at 4 AM to the horrifying discovery that you’ve crammed your husband’s ass with bread, onions and herbs.
Gemini: Your holiday plans are hampered by the fact that most drivers are more hesitant to pick up a vomit-covered hitchhiker than you’d anticipated.
Cancer: Now that the holiday season has officially begun, you can finally wear those hilarious fake antlers 24-7. That’ll have the damsels lined up outside of your door.
Leo: The fact that you look forward to those celebrities “singing” during the parade does not speak well of your intellect.
Virgo: Let’s face it, unless you super glue them to the children’s table, your out-of-control nieces and nephews are going to trash your place. So for Christ’s sake, get the super glue.
Libra: It’s not the fact that you’re serving jelly beans, popcorn and toast that has your dinner guests so appalled, it’s the fact that it was mostly prepared by a dog and a bird. Do you have any idea how much guano must have gotten on the pretzels?
Scorpio: When your sexy neighbor asks you for help “stuffing her turkey”, she’s really asking for help with her turkey. So put the condoms back in your hope chest, chief.
Sagittarius: Your super-fun Thanksgiving party isn’t quite as well-attended as you’d hoped. Next time, you might want to rethink the whole “Come as Your Favorite Open Sore” theme.
Capricorn: You experience the most wonderful Thanksgiving you’ve ever had, largely because of your discovery of a Dharma & Greg marathon on TBS.
Aquarius: You find Thanksgiving is pretty much meaningless to you this year, which isn’t really surprising, as you live in Ghana, where they don’t celebrate the holiday.
Pisces: Frozen pie crust? You fucking disgust me.