Newspapers and magazines this week are full of their Best of the Year lists. I thought, what the hell. I'm lazy. Lists are easy. I'll do that, too. So here we go. The Hairshirt Best of 2004.
Best Arguably Stolen Election--The Ukraine. You thought I was going to pick the U.S. election, didn't you? Hah! A retarded electorate picking the absolute wrong guy, even if there's some hint of rigged electronic voting machines, is nothing compared to the Ukrainian election. Massive civil disobedience! Dramatic court battles! Dioxin poisoning! Goddamn if this one didn't have it all.
Best Reason to Stop Giving a Shit About Pro Basketball--Ron Artest. For me, there are a good dozen or so reasons why it would be exceedingly difficult for me to care less about the NBA. It was pretty much over for me all those years ago during the lock-out when several players tried to set-up a fund-raising exhibition game...to raise money for themselves. Add to that the fact that the Cleveland Cavaliers had about a thirty year dry spell and I just sort of stopped paying attention. (Lebron? Too little, too late.) But this year, between Kobe and the massive egos on the Olympic team, I'm just beyond disgusted. Artest's Rock-'em Sock-'em display (whether you place the blame on him or not) is simply the icing on my fed-up cake.
Best Comic Book--DC: The New Frontier. (Not that you care)
Best Way to Rid the World of Ben Affleck--(Tie) Firing Squad & Chopping Him Up into Little Tiny Pieces and then Baking Him into a Pie and Feeding It to the Cast of Broadway's Mama Mia. The latter is inventive enough and punishment-fits-the-crime enough to give it an edge in my book, but there's just something so comforting about a good, old-fashioned firing squad.
Best Reason to Emigrate--The Budget. $15 million going toward helping those affected by the recent earthquake/tsunamis. $40 million going toward Bush's inauguration. Somebody needs to give Bush a cookie, sit him down in the kitchen and quietly explain to him why sometimes we don't get to have as big a party as we like, because there are more important things.
Best Obsolete Phrase--Pish Posh. Yes, I realize it's very sort of Mary Poppins, but it's a wonderful--and wholesome--way to tell somebody they're full of shit. It's so utterly dismissive. Try it. The next time somebody feeds you a line that's completely full of it, just give them a curt wave of your hand and a haughty "Pish posh, my good fellow. You're absolutely mistaken." Oo, it's so good.
Best Movie from Tom Cruise's Perspective--Birth. I know, I know. Tom Cruise wasn't in this movie. Wouldn't Collateral be a better choice? Well, all I have to say to that is, if you're vindictive towards an ex-wife, nothing would be better than seeing her make a complete piece of shit like this. Scientology Boy has got to be laughing his Oscarless head off.
Best Book I Pretended to Read--The Plot Against America by Phillip Roth. This is one of the hardest categories for me to make a final selection, because I actually skipped huge chunks of America: The Book, too. But, page for page, I skipped more of this wonderfully heartfelt (I suppose) novel than any other book I felt I probably had to read this year. Bravo, Mr. Roth. Bravo.
Best Song That Eventually Made Me Want to Slit My Wrists--"Yeah!" by Usher. I don't know about where you live, but around here, I couldn't open my goddamn window this summer without hearing this song at least ten times. I actually tried to puncture my own eardrums with a highlighter to stop the sound. (Didn't work, but it made my earwax look really funky for a few days.) I'm really hoping that the next big uber-popular crossover hit is something that involves a lot of whispering, so I can ignore it.
Best Way to Piss Off a Geek--Being Dismissive of Alien vs Predator--I kid you not, I made a snidish joke about this movie on a comic book message board and these guys came after me like Serbs after Croats. They were entirely irked that I thought it looked like something you'd film with action figures in your backyard at age twelve. I was run off the server on a rail. Memo to self: Geeks have no sense of humor unless it's a Klingon joke.
Best New Sexual Position--The Flying Dutchman.
Best Disturbing Social Trend--Bulemic Gangstas. Apparently, the same thinking that's led high-profile rap stars to conspicuously consume at stores like Burberry has created a craze for the ultimate pointless status activity. Music industry big shots from Sean Combs to Jay-Z are eating sumptuous and expensive meals and then using diamond-studded feathers (B-LING!) to make themselves puke them up.
Best Little Whorehouse in Texas--Ma Whittle's Fuck Shack and Chicken Emporium.If you're going to pick up gonorrhea, you might as well also pick up a bucket of wings and thighs. Word to the wise: avoid the coleslaw; it's tasty, but there are rumors that it's used in Ma Whittle's Naked Wrasslin' Pit before being put on the buffet.
Best Way to Stave Off Depression--None. Give it up, pally. We got four years of bombing and thumping ahead of us. Buckle your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy nightmare.
