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Friday, December 31, 2004


Celebrity Predictions

I never used to have psychic powers, then one day I happened to spot the all-powerful Jeanne Dixon walking down Central Park West. I hadn't the nerve to speak to her, but I did follow her a few blocks. She apparently had a bad cold and blew a whole bunch of snot into a kleenex, which she then deposited into a trash can. My mouth hanging open at my good fortune, I retrieved this precious souvenir from it's resting place and took it home, where I rubbed it all over myself. That night, I began to have strange dreams. Dreams about celebrities and what might happen to them. Jeanne Dixon's mucus had given me the power of celebrity foresight. I decided that I would use my newfound abilities to emulate my idol. I would tell the world what the forces of super-nature had shown me. So here's what I've seen through the veils of time for the coming year:
  • Paris Hilton's vagina will collapse in on itself, forming a miniature black hole that will eventually claim most of San Diego.
  • In an attempt to relive his youth, Michael Jackson will have his brain removed and placed in a robotic body. Four months later, the robot will be arrested on charges that it drugged and sodomized a young toaster.
  • Snoop Dogg's over-exposure will reach new heights, as he appears as himself in twelve films, lands an endorsement deal with Pepperidge Farms and releases his own line of Encyclopedias.
  • Dennis Miller will form his own snarky right-wing militia, calling the group Dr. Ferris Wheeler, a very clever bit of wordplay combining a character from Atlas Shrugged and a theoretical physicist that absolutely nobody outside of Miller's own head will get. He'll chuckle to himself every time he says it.
  • Meterologists will grow increasingly concerned as Celine Dion's sense of self-importance grows so large that it begins to affect the tides.
  • Elizabeth Taylor will make public her recent alcoholism and will begin attending AA meetings. Unfortunately, she chooses Liza Minelli as her sponsor.
  • Audiences of CBS's The Amazing Race will be shocked and horrified as contestant Jonathan Baker, angered at his wife Victoria's inadequate knowledge of the Russian monetary system, rips her arm off and beats her to death with it.
  • In Buenos Aires to promote the Fall Line of Olsen Twins fashion, Mary-Kate will be lifted up into the sky by a strong breeze and will never be heard from again.
  • Desperate for more publicity, Corey Feldman will fake his own death. Not one person in the world will notice.
  • Mel Gibson will announce another ambitious project: A five-hour film adaptation of Revelations shot with the dialogue spoken entirely in Pig Latin. Astounding critics, Evelations-Re will set new box office records when many fundamentalist ministers sell their churches to buy blocks of tickets.
  • Continuing her downward spiral into complete unfunniness, Janeane Garofalo will stage a one-woman show on Broadway called Janeane Garofalo Reads the 9/11 Commission Report. In it, Ms. Garofalo will sit on stage and read the 9/11 Commission Report. Comedy enthusiasts the world over will weep.

Looks to be quite a year for celebrities.