Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Friday, December 24, 2004
Guest Blogger: Jesus Christ
It's J.C. here. Thought I'd take a moment to thank everyone for all the cool gifts I get on my birthday. Oh, wait. That's right. Nobody buys me fucking squat on my birthday, they buy all sorts of shit for each other. I cannot begin to tell you how lame that is. I let myself get nailed to a goddamn tree and I don't even get a grocery store cake in recognition of my own birth.
I know all the arguments. "Nobody really gives a shit about their birthday after age 30." Blatantly untrue. I give a shit. I'm turning 2004 tomorrow. Will I get so much as a shout out from Willard Scott? Nope. "The fact that we all take time on Christmas to love one another is our gift to Christ." Bullshit. You know what a gift to Christ would be? The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King extended version on DVD. "Christ isn't real." That one hurts, man. Not real. Blow me. As if the pope and the Catholic church would make up a religion just to consolidate power and oppress generations of ignorant peasants.
I have heard all the excuses and I'm not listening to them anymore. If I don't start getting some swag on my b-day, I'm giving you guys back responsibility for your sins. You're doing nothing for me, why should I wipe your slate clean?
It's not like it's all that hard, people. I have an Amazon wish list. Just point and click, for crying out fucking loud.
Anyway, whatever. Go to your stupid parties and sing your stupid songs and give each other pretty little packages with I-Pods and low-rise jeans inside and I'll just sit here by my fucking self absolving you of all the awful shit you do the rest of the fucking year. Ungrateful little pricks.
J the C
P.S.: By the way, memo to Mel Gibson--I look nothing like Jim Cavavazazelio or whatever the fuck his name is. I'm not even white. Dipshit.
Bwahahahaha! so many things made me laugh i can't even begin to list them or i'd end up reposting what you just wrote. but i have to say i loved "merry me-mas" holy crap that's some funny stuff!
i'm so glad cl led me to this blog! :)
You have the gift of wit. Even though I am a disciple of Christ -- no kidding, I still find your post of December 24, 2004 a laugh out loud satirical success.
Absolutley love it, love it, love it!!Post a Comment
I didn't get a chance to write an xmas post so I am gonna steal yours and link to it on my blog : P
Thanx for the laughs!