Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Thursday, December 23, 2004
Hairshirt Christmas Horoscope
Aries: Despite what you may have heard, Aries, Santa actually has a “naughty” list, a “nice” list and a “man, this guy is just fucked” list. Guess which one you’re on.
Taurus: The lady in the burka does not want to be wished a Merry Christmas.
Gemini: Sadly, nobody bought you the complete first season of Touched by an Angel on DVD. Even sadder: you asked for the complete first season of Touched by an Angel on DVD.
Cancer: All you want for Christmas is your two front teeth, Cancer. Which, if you think about it, would still leave you with a mouthful of mostly gums. Ask Santa for a full set of dentures instead.
Leo: You should not feel ashamed about the enthusiasm with which you and your significant other engage in your annual Christmas Sex. You should feel ashamed that you couldn’t wait until after you’d left Midnight Mass.
Virgo: For the twelfth year in a row, the Happy Birthday card you sent to Jesus will be returned marked “Unknown Occupant.” This is because, if he is out there, he doesn’t live in Yonkers.
Libra: You find yourself wanting to be among family and friends this week. Too bad you’re an orphan and an asshole.
Scorpio: You may want to take an extra few seconds to think about whether or not it’s a good idea to buy your nephew a tattoo this Christmas. The other kids in his preschool class might make fun.
Sagittarius: Yes, Sagittarius, it’s very noble of you to volunteer time at a soup kitchen this December 25th. The Tip Jar you’ve placed on the counter might not be that well received, though.
Capricorn: This week, you have to work extra hard to explain how getting shitfaced and hitting on your roommate’s girlfriend is in any way a celebration of the birth of Christ.
Aquarius: No matter how much magic is in the old silk hat you found, Aquarius, that snowman is not going to come to life. And he’s definitely not going to “smite your enemies.” Adjust your expectations accordingly.
Pisces: No matter how inappropriate the gift you receive, it’s never a good idea to spit on it and throw it back in the giver’s face. Okay, maybe if it’s fruitcake.
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