Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
Hairshirt Horoscope (Special 2005 Forecast)
It's that time. Time for a look ahead at 2005 and all that your Zodiac holds for you. Here's your Hairshirt Horoscope Forecast for the coming annum.
Aries: In 2005, Aries folks will be at their creative zenith. Unfortunately, that’s still pretty sad and the best they’ll be able to muster is a half-way decent episode of Joan of Arcadia.
Taurus: Health problems will plague you this year, culminating in August, when you have to have a spatula surgically removed from your ass following a particularly nasty incident with a chef at Olive Garden.
Gemini: This year, Gemini, you will find that you can achieve anything you put you mind to. Except success and happiness. Those are gonna continue to prove elusive.
Cancer: At long last, the next twelve months will see Cancer find true love. The bad news is that it’s somebody else’s true love and it’s “found” by drilling a peep hole into the apartment next door.
Leo: Leo sports fans are in for a rough one, as every major sport except soccer goes on strike. In a desperate move to calm a populace robbed of their diversions, President Bush orders live broadcast of executions, which proves quite beneficial to death row inmates, who find themselves suddenly in demand as corporate spokesmen.
Virgo: This will be a year of travel for you, Virgo. Most of it in the back of a police car.
Libra: Over the next 365 days, you find yourself developing deadly allergies to all food except tapioca pudding. Perhaps you should look into stepping in front of a bus now, Libra.
Scorpio: Your only comfort in 2005? The fact that it’s not a leap year, so you’re spared one more day of utter and complete despair.
Sagittarius: Advice to Sagittarians: start drinking now and don’t stop until 12/31/05.
Capricorn: The most shocking moment of 2005 for Capricorn will come November 14th, when they inexplicably find themselves in the checkout line at Tower Records, about to purchase the new Michael Bolton album, and they’re excited about it.
Aquarius: Your sense of irony will be on the fritz come May, when you look out at a hooting and hollering audience applauding as you win a “beauty” contest, somehow having completely missed the quotation marks.
Pisces: You remember the kind of soul-crushing, fascistic society Orwell predicted in 1984? Well, he was only off by about 21 years.