Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Wednesday, December 01, 2004


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: The first step is admitting that you have a problem, Aries, so repeat after me: “I am Patrick Swayze’s stalker, not his friend. I am Patrick Swayze’s stalker, not his friend.” [Repeat as necessary.]

Taurus: Pregnant taureans who are thinking of naming their unborn daughters Millicent should truly fucking reexamine their options.

Gemini: The fact that the smell of your kitchen sponge is stronger than the smell of the food goes a little way toward explaining why you're still single, Gemini.

Cancer: Here we are, face to face, a couple of silver spoons. Hoping to find we’re two of a kind, making a go, making it grow. Together, we’re gonna find our way. Together, taking the time each day to learn all about those things you just can’t buy. Two silver spoons together, you and I.

Leo: Some people look good in spandex, Leo. Others need to take off a couple hundred pounds before they wear it in public. Guess which category you belong in.

Virgo: The odds against you filling one of Bush’s vacant cabinet positions would be greatly decreased if you didn’t have that penchant for public urination.

Libra: You seriously need to find the courage to admit to yourself that “night manager of an adult bookstore” is not your secret identity. It’s your only identity.

Scorpio: Your training schedule for the Beijing Olympics is thrown way off track when you realize, first, that you’re hopelessly out of shape and, second, Free-Style Phlegm Hurling is never going to be an Olympic sport.

Sagittarius: Just because you can stick an entire wheel of Gouda in your mouth doesn’t mean that you should. This is especially true on first dates.

Capricorn: Dude, trim your toenails.

Aquarius: You’re relieved to be giving up your network anchor job after twenty-two years, but mostly you’re just happy that you can finally tell the world that you nailed Jane Pauley in your Today Show dressing room in ’79.

Pisces: While there is no need for you to be ashamed of your back hair, there’s also no reason for you to braid it into cornrows.