Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Wednesday, December 08, 2004


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: Jumping on the athletes-on-steroids bandwagon is not a good idea for you, Aries. First of all, the health risks are just too great. Second, if the officials of the National Scrabble Association get wind of it, you could wind up off the tour.

Taurus: You are not the reincarnation of Bing Crosby. In your only previous life, you were a dumpy lady from Dubuque with swollen feet and chronic halitosis. So stop singing.

Gemini: Your search for love kicks into high gear this week, Gemini. Unfortunately, for you that just means you’re renewing your subscriptions to Juggs and MILF Monthly.

Cancer: You can put it on your Amazon wish list, your Pottery Barn registry and in your letter to Santa, but nobody is actually going to get you Donald Rumsfeld’s thumbs for Christmas, Cancer. Maybe next year.

Leo: Try the penne.

Virgo: You’re beautiful and talented and fabulously wealthy, Virgo. Sorry to say, you’re also fictional. And you’re being played by Melanie Griffith in the movie version.

Libra: Household matters come to the forefront this week. Like the age-old problem of how to get billy goat semen out of your carpet after your Blood Rite to Summon Xhimlat the Undying One. Might I suggest club soda?

Scorpio: You need to examine your career plans, Scorpio. Grave robbing is not a job you want to just dive right into. Consider doing an apprenticeship first.

Sagittarius: Yelling “Fire!” in a crowded movie house is unethical. Yelling, “My god, Mickey Rourke is hot!” is merely ill-advised. I mean, have you seen him lately?

Capricorn: Weight concerns play a big part in your week, Capricorn. So does Ben & Jerry’s. Lots and lots of Ben & Jerry’s.

Aquarius: Stem cell research, Aquarius, has nothing to do with what’s left over after you’ve removed all the buds and seeds. Put the bong down for awhile and go outside.

Pisces: Yes, Pisces, it was really cool that you found a twenty dollar bill. But it happened three years ago and it’s time for you to stop telling the story.