Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Wednesday, December 15, 2004


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: Your leg has not fallen asleep. There are actual pins and needles sticking out of your calf and thigh.

Taurus: You will be awarded a Presidential Medal of Freedom this week. This isn’t to say that you really deserve one, but Bush is just sort of handing them out to all comers this week.

Gemini: Standing outside of your ex-girlfriend’s apartment yelling, “Merry Christmas, you fucking whore!” is not the same as caroling. At least, that’s how the police will see it.

Cancer: Your date tonight is impressed that you know that white wine goes with fish. She'd be more impressed if that fish wasn't a can of Starkist.

Leo: Your inner beauty shines this week, Leo, dazzling all with whom you come in contact. Damn good thing, too, because your outer beauty is nowhere to be found.

Virgo: Your friends are getting incredibly sick of you yelling, “Merry Christmas, movie house!” every time you pass a theater. Put it to rest, okay Shekky?

Libra: The stars want you to know that the thousand dollar bet you are thinking about placing on the Browns against San Diego this weekend is a really bad idea. Unless, of course, you’re betting that the Browns are going to get bitch-slapped, in which case, go right ahead. *sigh*

Scorpio: People in the museum might pay more attention to your opinions on modern art if you didn’t have vomit caked down the front of your shirt.

Sagittarius: Advice for the newly married Sagittarius as you do your holiday shopping: porn is not an appropriate Christmas gift for your mother-in-law.

Capricorn: No matter how noble your intentions, nobody seeing your “Free Prostate Exam” sign on the sidewalk is going to take you up on it.

Aquarius: This is a great week for hats, Aquarius. In fact, if you have one of those novelty sombreros laying around the house, you should wear it in to the office.

Pisces: You will find you get many more dates when you stop publicly arguing about whether or not Superman could beat She-Hulk in a fight.

Damn I wish I was a gemini, sure would spice things up.

Not only would I be a lesbian I'd also get to go carolling!
I have never laughed as hard as I did when I read Aries. Holy cow, Joe! I have a question though, there's not really a She-Hulk is there? Is there? I'm scared now. Hold me.
Post a Comment

<< Home