Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Friday, December 03, 2004
Item! A worker in the hospital where Hollywood Superstar Julia Roberts gave birth reports that La Julia actually gave birth to triplets. Unlike Phinnaeus and Hazel, though, the third baby was born with green scales and a tail! Our OBGYN-sider reports that Mr. Roberts Danny Moder vomited upon seeing the less-than-aesthetically pleasing star-spawn and immediately ordered it shipped off to an asylum, where we assume it will live a miserable childhood and adolescence before breaking free to seek revenge. What a tangled web we weave, Julia, when first we try to get rid of the deformed kid!
Item! Plump but pretty John Travolta has left his beloved church of Scientology to form a new sect that worships Kentucky Fried Chicken. The former Sweathog has allegedly purchased a warehouse in Baltimore for the first temple, where church-goers can take healing coleslaw baths, consecrate their genitals with honeyed biscuits and sacrifice virgins who've been coated in the colonel's patented Original Recipe mix. I can't wait for the High Holy Days!
Blind Item! A former boy-band singer-turned white-bread hip-hop sensation has reportedly been spotted at a well-known gay bar in Des Moines. And his name is Justin Timberlake. Wait, that wasn't blind, was it? Oh shit.
Item! Santa is layin' down the law. North Pole insiders say that, this year, Santa is refusing to deliver any packages to children of parents who voted Republican in the presidential election. One elf quotes Father Christmas as saying, "Four more years of that fuckwad? To hell with that! They're getting reindeer shit!" The unhappy children about to receive Donner Dung in their stockings should try to talk their red state 'rents into voting for a Democratic congress in '06.
Item! A Russian Circus has apparently become lost in Paris Hilton.
Item! Beloved screen legend Tom Hanks apparently enjoyed his experience working on The Polar Express so much that he's decided to have his brain removed from his body and digitized so that he can live forever in cyberspace. Spokesmen for the actor declined to say if the movie's extreme sucking has had any influence on his decision.
Item! Former child star Danny Bonaduce has reportedly opened up a Humiliate Me for Money booth in Times Square. For fifty bucks, tourists and passers-by can hit, spit on or throw feces at the wayward Partridge. Asked why he chose to go this route with his career, the lovable carrot-top pointed out that it had more integrity than his short-lived View-rip-off talk show with Dick Clark and the kid from Saved by the Bell and was less work than coming up with topics for his radio show. Best of luck Danny! I know I'll be there to blow wads of snot at you!
Item! President Bush proved his intelligence this week by completing the TV Guide crossword puzzle in under twelve hours. White House staffers say he had to ask Secretary of State-designee Condoleeza Rice for help on a question involving '80s sitcom ALF, but otherwise did it all by himself like a big boy. Congratulations, sir. That Mensa membership is right around the corner.
Item! Brussel sprouts to make a huge comeback in the New Year. A spokesman for the National Brussel Sprout Board has issued a press statement promising to "...unleash unimaginable destruction upon the people of the United States if they don't start eating brussel sprouts." Better get out those recipe books, folks.
Item! A grumpy old man in New York whose wife is in Philadelphia bought some beer tonight!
Item! Robin Williams, apparently looking to beef up his dramatic acting credentials, has signed on to play Elian Gonzalez in Miramax's 2005 release, The Elian Gonzalez Story. When asked for comment on this, director Chris Columbus said, "I think you're going to be surprised at how Mork is able to make you believe that he's a nine-year-old Cuban boy. You will be moved. Oh so moved." I'm logging on to Fandango for my ticket right now!
That's all for today's Hollywood Hairshirt. Until next time, keep fucking the stars!
"Item! A Russian Circus has apparently become lost in Paris Hilton." This is by far the best item.
Oh, and did you by any chance write the horoscopes for the San Jose Mercury News today? Libra says "If you go out for the evening be sure to carry just enough spending money to get by as pockets may develop holes and carelessness can cause losses." It sounds suspiciously like one of yours...
Hmm, still large print. I noticed that the comments seem to attack you but I figured that was planned.Post a Comment