Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Monday, December 20, 2004


How Do Rumors Get Started? They're Started by the Jealous People.

Dear Reader,

In my last post, I implied that Santa Claus consumes, on his yearly flight, brownies containing hashish. This was written for humorous effect and is not true. To my knowledge, Santa Claus has never consumed so much as a beer in the centuries he's been alive. Any implication that Santa Claus is some sort of junkie who fuels his reindeer's flight with cocaine and flies wrecklessly was the work of my imagination and has no basis in reality.

For example, I never actually witnessed Santa Claus stumbling into the hallway of a whorehouse, clutching a used syringe in one hand and his penis in the other, screaming, "Fucking fuck! I think she's fuckin dead, man!" That did not happen.

Neither do I have photographic evidence of Santa bitch-slapping a toddler who complained that her Barbie had on an ugly outfit. This non-existent photo is, being not real, not available for purchase to the highest bidder.

To the best of my knowledge, the rumors of Santa Claus euthanizing elves to sell their body parts on a black market website to fund his monthly Viagra purchases are just that: rumors. Santa Claus, I truly believe, loves his elves and would never papier mache them into a pinata and beat them repeatedly just for kicks.

All of these horrible, slanderous rumors, I hereby disavow, along with the story that former Hollywood starlet Heather Graham told me about the time Santa picked her up at a post-People's Choice Awards party and then couldn't get it up in his limo. That didn't happen either.

Since I do hereby deny all of these scurrilous rumors, I request that North Pole, Inc. and it's legal team please call off their pending lawsuit. If they don't, I'll have no choice but to release to the press the Super-8 movie I have of all of them performing Winter Wonderland while taking naked jello-baths.

You're still my hero.
I'm not a stalker or anything, I swear, but you have to go to and put in your name. Your name has the best I've seen:
joe is my interactive bra
joe is love
joe is coming
joe is back
joe is a legendary coffee
joe is very sick
joe is the hottest man alive
joe is rad
joe is so getting laid tonight
joe is interrogated at the police station
joe is people
and the list goes on and on. I am so in love with Googlism. You should see my name. Really, you should.
Alright Joe, I have been up way too long now. You are too damn funny so I am just going to have to change the link I just blogged, from "Guest Blogger: Jesus Christ" to the whole freaking December archive. I can't choose.
I'm so glad I found your blog : )
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