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Saturday, December 04, 2004


Tommy Can You Hear Me?

Tommy Thompson quit yesterday. Not to read too much into all these departures prefacing Bush’s second term, but the phrase “sinking ship” comes to mind. It’s too damn bad the American people booked passage.

I know, I know. That’s all liberal bullshit. There are major shake-ups and departures before any administration heads into its second four years. Blah blah blah. Still…

It is, at the very least, absolutely frightening that Bush is losing all these people and retaining fucking Rumsfeld. As the Red Cross tells the world how truly deplorable our treatment of prisoners is at the base on Guantanamo, Bush is telling the world what a great job he thinks the guy in responsible for that place is doing. The man should truly just wear a t-shirt that says “Fuck the World”, ‘cause that’s the message he sends loud and clear all the time.

Just look at the timely manner in which he thanked our Canadian neighbors for their help and support on September 11th. The man needs to read some Emily Post. I admit, I’m not exactly always prompt with the Thank You cards, but three years? In my family, you’d be written out of the will. (I’m just kidding. Thanks to what Bush has done to the economy, my family is far too poor to leave any sort of inheritance behind.)

Bush isn’t the only one sending bad messages to the world, though. Mr. Thompson decided he’d leave office by helping out the terrorists. During his resignation, he talked about the American food supply and how easy it would be to kill us by using it. He said, “For the life of me, I cannot understand why the terrorists have not attacked our food supply because it is so easy to do. We are importing a lot of food from the Middle East, and it would be easy to tamper with that.”

Thompson then went on to say, “Oh! Oh, y’know what I’ve always thought would be a really great way to attack us? If I was going to do it, I’d kidnap Mel Gibson, then have one of my terrorists all plastic-surgeried to look just like him. Then I’d infect him with, like Ebola or a Superflu, then I’d arrange a trip to the White House and infect Bush and the entire cabinet. That would be wicked cool.”

Reporters attempted to move on to other topics, but Thompson kept on talking. “Or, or—wait!—or you could kidnap Jenna or Barbara and then, like, hypnotize them or do some kind of Manchurian Candidate shit to them so when they get around their father again…Yaah! Yahh! Yaah!” With this, Thompson began slashing the air with an invisible knife, ala Norman Bates.

Aides interrupted Thompson at that point, hurrying him off stage as Bush took the podium and said, “Yeah. It’s a shame Tommy can’t stick around for the second term.”