Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Thursday, January 27, 2005


The Bush League

…And there came a day when the mightiest heroes of the right wing gathered together to defend President Bush’s policies from attack. This band of warriors fight against evil, terrorism and common sense. They are…The Bush League!

Cheney is BUSINESSMAN—Rocketed to Earth from the distant planet Profiton, the infant Dick Cheney was found by two accountants, who raised him to fight for half-truths, financial gain and the American Capitalist way. Now, using his super-strength, his super-grouch-vision and his super-political influence, Cheney fights a never-ending battle to make the world safe for companies in which he has a financial stake.

Rice is YES WOMAN—Raised by a hyper-intelligent race of Amazons, Condaleeza Rice was able to play the piano, speak five languages and kill a man with a cocktail napkin, all by the age of three. Now, using tools like her invisible plane and invisibler agenda, Condi Rice travels the globe, striving to foster world peace, as long as it doesn’t contradict the president’s policies.

Rumsfeld & Wolfowitz are WARHAWK AND BOMB BOY—When his parents were killed by a hippie peace activist, young Donald Rumsfeld vowed to avenge them by doing his utmost to promote war. Now, with his young ward Paulie at his side in his guise of Bomb Boy, the Defense Department Duo battle the forces of stability and rational thought.

Spelling is MISS SPELLING—A robot that developed sentience, Republitron XJ300, or “Margaret Spelling” has been programmed to sharpen the minds of our nation’s youth by giving them high-pressure standardized tests. Beware, teachers! For you will be held accountable by the Mighty Mistress of Multiple Choice!

Mineta is THE TOKEN—Actually, there’s nothing special at all about Norm Mineta. He’s got no powers, he’s got nothing. But Bush wanted a Democrat.

Norton is LADY LUMBERJACK—While hiking in the woods, Gale Norton was contacted by the Spirit of Mother Nature, who told Gale that trees were trying to take over the planet and must be stopped. Toward that end, Mother Nature gave Gale the power to chop down trees and strip lands of their natural resources. Now, in her role as Interior Secretary, she uses her powers to fight out-of-control environmentalism and restore the proper balance.

McClellan is THE MOUTH—After spending a year studying in the Orient, Scott McClellan learned the secret of clouding men’s minds. Now, he uses that power to thwart the evil machinations of the White House Press Corps—a group of power-hungry maniacs whose goal is to hold the administration accountable for its actions—by turning their attention to other topics.

Gonzales is LESS CRAZY MAN—Gifted with the amazing ability to be less certifiably insane than John Ashcroft equipped with his Saner-mobile and Not-as-Nuts Belt, Al Gonzalez stalks the streets of the nation’s capitol, righting wrongs and restricting rights.

Rove is MASTERMIND—Although lacking actual super powers, Karl Rove is possessed of the keenest tactical mind on the planet. Capable of derailing an opponent’s campaign with nothing more than a thumbtack, a hooker and a teaspoon of peanut butter, Rove is the brain of the team.