Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
Aries: This week, your life begins to remind you more and more of an episode of Laverne & Shirley. And not the funny Milwaukee shows, either, but the painful, excruciating seasons after they moved to California. Poor, poor you.
Taurus: Adopting Gandhi’s “passive resistance” approach to your current situation is a good idea. You are mistaken, however, in your belief that this involves a lot of “hissy fits.”
Gemini: Your mother’s worst nightmare comes true this week as you are rushed to the hospital and are found to have dirty underwear. Tsk tsk tsk.
Cancer: Your arguments against privatization of social security accounts is met with skepticism by everyone else in the crack house.
Leo: For some strange, inexplicable reason, your Liver & Onions incense isn’t selling well at the craft fair.
Virgo: The work of Walt Whitman provides you with great comfort this week as you…oh, wait, sorry. It’s the work of Slim Whitman you’ll be checking out this week. You dig yodeling. That’s super.
Libra: Just for the record, very few women are actually turned on when you refer to it as your “pee-pee.”
Scorpio: You lose twenty bucks in a bar bet this week due to your unwavering certainty that the poem on the base of the Statue of Liberty is “Look out, stomach/look out, gums/look out America/here I comes.”
Sagittarius: Your detailed knowledge of the mating habits of the lung fish could save your life this week. Probably not, though.
Capricorn: Your anger over the fact that Fahrenheit 9/11 beat out Shrek 2 for the People’s Choice Award for Best Picture begins to dissipate this week. But it doesn’t go away entirely. “People’s choice” indeed!
Aquarius: Stop picking at it.
Pisces: Sadly, the government balks at paying you thousands of dollars to talk up No Child Left Behind.