HAIRSHIRT
Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
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HAIRSHIRT Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery |
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Wednesday, January 19, 2005Hairshirt Horoscope
Aries: Nobody objects to your spending a long time on the toilet, but taking your meals there is a bit over the top, don’t you think?
Taurus: Your best laid plans fall completely apart this week, making it maybe not the best time to be building a house. Gemini: Have the voices in your head ever told you to take a fucking shower? Cancer: Faking an orgasm is fine and all, but it's a lot less obvious if you do it when you're actually having sex. Leo: You’re mixing up a batch of love this week, Leo. You’re gonna take a cup of sexiness, a tablespoon of mystery, a dash of romance, a sprinkling of flowers and a five gallon drum of stupid obsessive neuroses to cook up something that nobody sane would willingly put into their body. You need a new recipe. Virgo: Your love of auto-racing and your life-long interest in physics come together this week in a really fascinating car-crash. Wear a seatbelt, shmuck. Libra: When someone says that you’re “creepy and loathsome, but in a good way,” it’s not actually a compliment. Scorpio: You ignore the age old advice this week and actually see how sausage is made. The disturbing part is that it kind of makes you like it even more. Sagittarius: In a stunning turn of events, genealogical research you’ve been working on reveals this week that you are a direct descendent of Geoffrey Chaucer, which explains why you’re so fucking boring. Capricorn: No, Hope & Faith did not get some hilarious new writers. You’re just stoned. Aquarius: Your weight-loss plan is proving massively ineffective. Maybe if you further reduced your intake of deep-fried pudding cake to five slices a week, you might see some more results. Or at least get out of your chair twice a day. Pisces: You take self-absorption to new heights this week when you post your colonoscopy pics on your website.
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